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The BEST Gift Ever!

“The greatest gift a mother and father can give their children is to love their spouse.” I remember hearing that said by a wise, godly man, Jay Fesperman. We were attending a Christian Marriage and Parenting Retreat at the Inn of the Last Resort in Franklin, North Carolina. That phrase struck a chord with me because I had lived in just such a home growing up. It truly was a gift!

When I was seven or eight years old, I remember my mother crying one day after an argument with my father. When dad left the kitchen, I went up to mom and hugged her and said, “Dad is mean to you!” Through her tears her said, “No, Gayle, your Dad is right, I was wrong.” That sent a strong message to me about my mother’s respect for my father. Even when her feelings were hurt, she wanted me to know that my father was worthy of respect. Because of her love and respect for my father, I learned to respect my father and his authority in my life.  I knew he wasn’t perfect, but through the way my mother talked about and to my father, I also learned to love and respect my father’s authority in my life.

How does this love and respect between parents affect a child? Why would it be a “gift” to demonstrate mutual love and respect? When children hear and see love and respect verbalized and demonstrated between parents, they are blessed for several reasons:

  • children see that love is more than words, it is also demonstrated with actions
  • children learn to emulate the respectful behavior of their parents
  • children feel a sense of security that is a product of a nurturing, stable home
  • children witness respectful conflict resolution
  • children establish a sense of the value of healthy relationships

If my mother had put down my dad and spoken with resentment about him, that would have planted seeds of disrespect in my heart. It could have grown into distrust of my father’s love and concern for me.

Ephesians 5:31-33 (NIV)

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 
Notice that these verses call the marriage relationship not only a mystery, but a PROFOUND mystery. That is a understatement from my experience! It is a mystery to me how my relationship with my husband influences my children’s sense of security and value – yet I know from personal experience  – it does. I have been blessed my whole life with a realization that God loves me. This is not a prideful assessment, but a deep felt realization that my Heavenly Father loves me. I attribute this to the blessing of having a birth father who loved me unconditionally and loved my mother faithfully as well. It was an easy transference of love and commitment from my father to God, my Heavenly Father.
The challenge for me is to demonstrate the legacy of respect for my husband that my parents gave to me. I hope to pass this legacy on to the next generation. That is the BEST gift ever!
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Joy!

I was blessed to attend a women’s conference in Hickory this weekend with two of our daughters. The main speaker was very good, but the thing that blessed me the most was the fact that the ladies who coordinated this event did not feel the need to just  “bring in big names” as speakers. They had asked some local women to speak in the break-out sessions and they did a wonderful job sharing from God’s Word. One speaker, Carol, shared about “Consider it Pure Joy”  from James 1 and there were several things she said that really spoke to my heart.

Throughout my life, since the time I was a very small child, people have said that I have a lot of  “joy”.  That may be because I smile often – and that gives the impression that I have joy. Yet, truth be known, joy is much more than smiles or happy faces. Carol shared that joy is defined as the “prospect of possessing what you most desire.”  (Webster’s Dictionary) When I am planning to spend the weekend with our grandchildren, I am filled with joy!!! The prospect of their happy faces, hugs, and “I love, you, Nana” all fill my heart with joy  – which says that being with my grandchildren is something I desire.

I remember being THRILLED when we found out we were pregnant with our first child. Becoming a mother was something I greatly desired. Joy was the result. Yet, two and one-half years later, when I found out I was pregnant with #3, my first reaction was NOT joy.

  • my milk dried up and #2 was just 6 months old
  • our 1st two children were still in diapers
  • my body was spent
  • we lived in a two bedroom apartment, both tiny bedrooms

There was no joy –  because I did not desire another child at that time. The problem was NOT the pregnancy – the real problem was my desire. As I prayed and allowed God to adjust my desires , I began to anticipate the birth of our third child. It was not an overnight change, but gradually I realized that God’s timing is perfect –  irregardless of my desires. As I began to desire the birth of our precious 3rd child, my heart changed and joy was the result!

I still had to

  • stop breastfeeding
  • have 3 children in diapers at the same time
  • put 3 cribs in a small bedroom
  •  and feel tired.

My joy was restored by God’s grace. Those of you who know our 3rd child know what joy she brings to our family and all those who know her. God’s plans for us are so much greater than our plans!!

The challenge for all of us is to desire the right things. First and foremost – we should desire God.

Psalm 16:11 (NIV)

11 You make known to me the path of life;
   you will fill me with joy in your presence,
   with eternal pleasures at your right hand

This scripture shows that the Psalmist desired to know God’s path and the reward was fullness of joy!

If we do not feel joy, we must examine our hearts and ask what do we desire?  Fullness of joy is worth adjusting our desires!

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“You’re Not the Boss of Me”

Our pastor told a story in his sermon yesterday entitled “You’re not the Boss of Me” and it immediately brought back memories from my childhood. I’m sure it does for you as well – unless you are an only child.  As a middle child, I was bossed by my older brother and lorded over my younger brother.  I made Gregg play with me and told him exactly what to do. I was like Lucy from the comic strip Peanuts and treated my little brother like Lucy treated Linus. Poor Gregg! I cut his hair, dressed him up, and made him do homework at 4 years old because he was my student when I began my teaching career at 5 years old. (we are 13 months apart in age and I always knew I wanted to be a teacher) When I graduated from high school,  Mrs. Frost, my 1st grade Sunday School teacher,  sent me a note recounting the Sunday I brought a flannel graph story left over from my mother’s Vacation Bible School class. I announced that I would teach the Sunday School lesson that week. Mrs. Frost said I was well prepared and confident in my ability to teach. We bossy types are like that.

Siblings have a pecking order and it is often set at birth. That does not mean the pecking order is established by birth order – it is more often determined by personality. Our 3rd child often was the boss because she knew what she wanted!  Her siblings were generally more easygoing and didn’t care most of the time. Yet, when they did care, we heard those words – “You’re not the boss of me!”

These sibling relationships are a normal part of family life and part of the way children learn to problem solve. It is a chance for siblings to practice those essential life long skills like give and take, taking turns, negotiating for what one wants, and respect of the needs and wants of others.

If one child is extremely bossy, it does need to be addressed by parents. A child who is in charge at home will develop patterns of behavior that will be problematic when they begin school and there is a TEACHER! It also can be detrimental to those children who are being bossed. They may not be able to assert themselves and may start to believe their opinions or choices don’t matter. This can be very hurtful to healthy personality development.

The most important aspect of this issue is that there should be a boss (or bosses) at home – the parents. Someone will be in charge by default,  and if the parents do not take authority – one of the children will.  Children are more secure when parents take the proper authority and protect the children from each other and themselves. Learning to respect the parents as their boss  will prepare children to respect those in authority throughout their lives. The students I see who have the most difficult time in school are those who do not respect authority. Those students are also the most unhappy.

Children who learn that their parents exert their authority with love and care for their children’s best interests will also learn to trust God as a loving authority. Parents must often say “no” to their children for their own good. God will say “no” to us for a greater good – one we may not realize at the time, just as our children don’t understand a parent’s “no”. God wanted us to understand authority and did that by giving Jesus ALL authority. The following verses illustrate that truth. (I added “boss”)

Colossians 1:16-20 (NIV)

16 For in Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through Him and for Him. 17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. 18 And He is the head  (boss) of the Body, the church; He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything He might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all His fullness dwell in Him, 20 and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through His blood, shed on the cross.
Don’t be afraid as parents to be the “boss” and live out Godly authority before your children. Our hope as Christian parents is that our children will transfer our authority in their lives over to God’s authority and never say to God – “You’re not my boss”.