Category Archives: Being a Mom

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Helicopter Mom

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Definition of HELICOPTER PARENT (Merriam Webster Dictionary)

: a parent who is overly involved in the life of his or her child

Is that a problem? Is it really possible to be overly involved in the life of your child?     The answer is YES!

There are certainly situations that require more parental involvement than others. Newborns need complete care, yet it is generally beneficial to allow babies some time away from mom. This may be leaving them in a room alone, letting them have “tummy time” without the parent holding them, and even allowing them to cry a bit if the parent is sure that the child is safe and secure.

Special needs children may require constant monitoring, as do children who are ill. There may be times when a child is afraid or has experienced trauma and loving attention is beneficial. It is important not to judge the attention a parent pays a child when you may not know the circumstances that initiate the behavior or the parent’s response.

The term “helicopter parent” has emerged in our culture to describe parents who are orchestrating their child’s life for them – or attempting to do so. This leads to many adverse results. Children will learn that they are not responsible for their actions – “mom will fix it for me.” They may begin to believe that they are not capable of making decisions or problem solving. The most devastating result will be their lack of recognizing God as the Good Shepherd who desires to lead and guide them throughout life.

I was reading about the mother of James and John, the disciples Jesus referred to as the ‘sons of thunder’. Their mother was a follower of Jesus herself. She, along with Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of James followed Jesus cared for His needs.

20 Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down asked a favor of him.

21 “What is it you want?” He asked.

She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”

22 “You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?”

“We can,” they answered.

23 Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.”

Matthew 20:20-23

Can you imagine going up to Jesus, the Son of God, and asking Him for a “favor” for your child? Mary had seen Jesus do miracles and she obviously believed that Jesus had the authority in Heaven as well as on earth.

Jesus’ response was interesting. He asked a question, as he often did when someone asked Him a question. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?” When they said yes, He agreed, yet told them He was not the one to grant position in Heaven.

Mary, a true helicopter mom, wanted the BEST for her sons. She knew Jesus was the Messiah. Yet she, along with all the disciples did not realize that suffering would be part of what they faced as His followers. Mary most likely believed Jesus would set up an earthly kingdom as the promised Messiah and free God’s people from bondage.

It sounds as if Mary was trying to plan her sons’ lives and make sure they were situated for the positions they “deserved” in God’s kingdom. Yet in reflecting on this, I realized that I have prayed MANY times for God to smooth things out, even intervene on behalf of my children. In looking at my own heart – I have been a helicopter mom myself. I have asked Jesus for privilege on behalf of my children.

Instead of being the “helicopter mom”, I must learn to pray “Thy will be done” and intend it with my whole heart. It means my child faces suffering in the future.  It means putting God’s will above everything and everyone else. It also means God accomplishes His plan in our children’s lives. The apostle Paul says,

2 Timothy 1:11-13 (NIV)

11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know Whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.

My most important responsibility as a mother is to entrust my children to God’s faithfulness.

 

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Futility of Comparison

P1040148I can remember this day as if it was yesterday, when in reality it was 35 years ago. I was in a group of young mothers waiting for instruction to begin our first “toddler swim” lesson. I was new to the community and I didn’t know anyone in the group. The swim instructor asked us to go around the group and tell our names, the names of our children, and the child’s age. She started with the mother next to her and before seven or eight mothers had introduced themselves and their child, I began to dread my turn.

Now no one who knows me has ever thought me shy or retiring. I prefer to sit in the front of all gatherings, so as not to miss anything. If there is a volunteer needed or a prize given out – I want to be front and center. I have been known to “worm” my way to the front of lines and even if it appears all the seats are taken – I will look in the front rows, just in case.

Yet I dreaded all eyes turning toward me when it was my turn to introduce myself and my son. My shame came from the fact that I automatically compared my son with the other toddlers. When a mother said – “This is Wesley and he is 5 months old” I thought – ‘my son is 6 months old and he doesn’t sit up yet’. Compared to Wesley, my son was small and delayed in development. I compared my son to the other toddlers  – and he came up lacking. I was a failure as a mother!

I am ashamed to admit that I compared my child to other children. It didn’t help that there were four other Benjamins in the class. (I guess that was a popular name that year – or maybe just for seminary students with sons)

Why do we compare our children to other children? Why do we compare ourselves to other mothers? Both exercises are futile and unhealthy.  We woman tend to compare ourselves and our children to others as a way to measure if we are “doing all right”. If our child is taller, stronger, crawls faster, or talks more we think we are doing well as a mother. If our child “falls short” in stature, development, or ability, we blame ourselves and think we are failing as mothers.

Reading these words – it seems obvious that is it pointless to measure our value as a mother by the age our child walks, how many words they string together in a sentence, or heaven forbid – at what age they are potty trained. Yet if we are honest  – we have done this to some extent or another. Comparisons permeate our culture and those of us who dedicate our lives to our families often have nothing else by which to measure our success or lack there of.

God has given us a better way!!!

2 Corinthians 10:12-13  (NIV)

12 We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves.When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. 13 We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the sphere of service God himself has assigned to us,a sphere that also includes you.

It is clear in this Scripture that Paul is asking us to evaluate ourselves by the “sphere of service God Himself has assigned to us.”  Just as I don’t expect the same level of artistic expression from beginning art students as I do from my advanced honor art students, God does not compare us to each other. God looks at what He has assigned us and asks that we be FAITHFUL.

I love these verses from II Timothy.

2 Timothy 4:7-9 (NIV)

7 I have fought the good fight,I have finished the race,I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness,which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Paul is telling Timothy, his young disciple, that he is nearing the end of his life on earth. Paul has fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith. Notice it doesn’t say won the fight – just fought it. It doesn’t say won the race, just finished it. It says kept the faith – in other words – been faithful.

This is the standard we use to judge ourselves by – are we faithfully following God in being the women He has assigned us to be?  It is the only measure that matters.

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No Excuses

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Teach high school students and you will hear the most amazing excuses. I am almost awed by the creativity that some students use to explain their lack of responsibility. The operative word is almost. Having had four children navigate the precarious waters of high school has caused me to be a bit hardened to the myriad reasons that a class assignment is not complete or cannot be found to turn in for a grade.

We had a family birthday celebration this weekend and there were two situations with our grandchildren which caused me to realize that they are not that far removed from adolescent reasoning – or should I say adolescent lack of reasoning. Two year olds act without thinking. Fourteen year olds act without thinking. As a teacher and a parent I have found myself asking in a tone of frustration – “What were you thinking?” The truth is ….they weren’t thinking.

God has created us with an amazing capacity to think and understand. Yet it is not automatic. All healthy children are born with the potential to think.  Yet we know from recent brain reasearch that the reasoning capacity of humans is developing as they mature and in many individuals the ability to recognize cause and effect is not fully formed until a person is in their twenties. (Please don’t give in to depression!) That is why God designed families and why children have parents. Children need adults in their lives to set boundaries and explain the cause and effect of certain decisions. Humans are not like snakes or spiders who slither and crawl away soon after birth to fend for themselves. (If they didn’t, their parent might eat them!)

I am so blessed when I see parents of young children limit screen time. It is the rare child who will do this on their own. Once children get outside it is fun to see them play with Tonka trucks and climb trees. They use those large motor skills and gain strength in muscles besides their thumbs.

As children play outside and interact with the world around them they will start to see God’s power and divine nature expressed in creation. Don’t take excuses for not playing outside…unless the weather would lead to adverse cause and effect. As we train our children to think and reason, we are demonstrating God’s nature.

Romans 1:02

20 For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—His eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made,so that people are without excuse.

In God’s plan there are no excuses.