Category Archives: Being a Wife

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Expectations

Gayle with family in 1972

” I could never live up to her expectations.” How often have you heard this tragic statement in regard to someone talking about a parent? Sometimes a father, sometimes a mother, but equally heart-rending. Living with the feeling that you did not measure up is sometimes debilitating, but always hurtful. The offending parent may have never verbalized their attitude towards the child, but in this case actions do speak louder than words. Looks of disdain, ignoring a child’s presence or needs,  just being too busy to listen all communicate lack of regard for a child.

Making fun of a child who makes a mistake, whether physical or verbal, is so hurtful. This can not only make a child feel inadequate, but can make a child feel like not trying something  new for fear of failure. Parents must guard their speech to prevent hurtful words from wounding their child. Words spoken in frustration and impatience are especially scaring. One of the most harmful responses to a child is comparing that child to someone else in a negative way. “Why can’t you be like so and so…..?” “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”

I have an older brother who was a high achiever in everything he did. He made excellent grades, was a good athlete, played the trombone, and NEVER got in trouble. My parents made it a point to not compare myself or my younger brother to our older sibling. They expressed pleasure in my feeble athletic pursuits, praised me for the grades I earned, and more importantly, supported my unique pursuits in artistic expression and theatre, things my brothers did not do. There was not a sense of competition in our home – but a realistic expectation that each of us would do our personal best. We are all different, and encouraging those differences is important. We tried to do the same with our four children, celebrating their differences and unique qualities. I can’t say that there was never competition between them, but it was self-inflicted, not from their father or me. The following Scripture is very meaningful to me –

Psalm 62:5   “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from Him. ”

It is natural for parents to have expectations for their children. We must make certain that our children know we love and accept them unconditionally. They must know that our love is not based on whether or not they meet our expectations.  The second part of that verse holds the key – “my expectation is from Him”. We must allow God to form our children according to HIS good pleasure, not ours. I particularly like the verse  Ephesians 3:20 in the Amplified version.

“Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]–“

Now I can think of some pretty wonderful things to have happen for my children and grandchildren. Yet this verse states the fact that what God has planned for them is better then anything I can even think or dream!

So – the challenge for us as parents and grandparents is to let our expectations come from God.

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Think on These Things

My friend Alice Marie and I recently attended church with her mother and the pastor said that many of us suffer from a syndrome called “ANTS”  – Automatic Negative Thought Syndrome. I remember being affected by this malady  – especially as my children were going through one or another  “phase”. I KNEW meal time would be a whine fest, nap time a challenge, and bath time a wrestling match. By anticipating negative behavior, was I setting myself up for difficulty? Probably so. Children do go through phases and their brain development as toddlers does precipitate some erratic behavior, but I know that when I expect the worst – that is most likely what I will get.

You’ve heard the saying (pardon the grammar, Phil) “When mamma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” We mothers do set the tone in our homes. If we are negative, our children will be as well. If we respond to whining with a firm, “Tell me what is wrong, I can’t understand when you whine”, instead of whining right back with, “You always whine and it’s driving me crazy!’ we will redirect the negative behavior. It is not easy – because whining DOES drive us crazy, yet as an adult, I must choose to model a positive attitude.

Philippians 4: 8 says,

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ”

Paul is encouraging us to choose positive thoughts with which to fill our minds. Thoughts determine our speech and then lead to the actions we take. If my thoughts toward my children are lovely and admirable, it follows that my speech will be as well.

When our children were young my friend Carol made me a cross stitch of this verse which I hung in my kitchen. It seems like I needed it in the kitchen the most. You might have a room or a situation that is a challenge for you, where you feel “ANTS” taking over. If it would help, make a list of true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable thoughts. Hang it up. The list may change from time to time.  Yet the principle remains the same. Think on these things. 

 

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Manners Matter

We have had the privilege of spending lots of time this past month with all 9 of our grandchildren. It was especially nice because three of our grandsons live across the country from us, so we are blessed whenever we are able to have time together. Our grandchildren are learning manners, and it is so nice to hear “please”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome” and other polite phrases from these little ones. It is often amusing as they learn the correct meaning, and therefore the correct use, of polite language. I gave one of our grandsons a snack and his mother said “What do you say to Nana?” He replied “sorry” while putting the snack in his mouth – I couldn’t help but laugh!

This training in manners from parents is so essential, and not often valued in our current culture. Manners have sometimes gotten “bad press” in the recent past because those imposing “correct behavior” sometimes had ulterior motives. Various ways of behaving and speaking classified people, often unfairly. Yet common courtesy should never go out of style and it is even more important as our children interact with people in a culture that is increasingly more diverse.

Speaking politely and showing thankfulness are ways to honor others. As a high school art teacher, I see many students who use polite language and those are often the students who have lots of friends and are highly regarded by their peers. Students who are demanding and rude are generally the most unhappy people and not surprisingly, seem to have few friends.

I had a student ask me last year, “Mrs. Woody, why do you always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to us? ”  I answered, “I want to speak respectfully to you all, just as I want you to speak respectfully to me.” It is exactly the same for us as parents. We must model for our children the language and words we want them to use. This is especially true of how we speak to our spouse. Our children will talk to their dads just the way we talk to our husbands. Yes, and children will talk to mom the way they hear their dad talk to her. OUCH! When we ask for help from our spouse or children do we say “please?”  Do we respond with a “thank you?”

Manners mattered enough to Jesus that He singled out one man who came back and thanked him after being healed. Luke tells about this situation in Luke 17:11-19

 11 Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance 13and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” 14When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. 15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. 17 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” 19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” (emphasis mine)

“Thank you”  was important to Jesus because it revealed what was in the man’s heart. Those polite words do the same thing for us, our spouses, and our children. It shows that we value and appreciate each other, just as Jesus does.