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Neglect

Fall is the time of the year when it becomes very apparent which parts of our yard I have neglected tending. I always post lovely pictures of the flowers and plants that grace our property and as I am writing this post I must ask myself – do I really want to show that ugly – but real – side of our yard?

The very issues that cause weeds to flourish in the garden are the same issues that cause me to neglect my spiritual life, my important relationships, my marriage. So, here they are:

  • time
  • responsibilities
  • tasks of every day living
  • desire, lack of motivation
  • distractions

Phil and I attended a Marriage Seminar this past weekend at the Inn of Last Resort in Franklin, North Carolina. We first attended this same seminar in 1977 when I was pregnant with our first child, Benjamin. There were different speakers, Jay and Sally Fesperman led that first Marriage and Parenting seminar. This is a link to what I wrote about that seminar in 2012. https://ourfathersdaughters.com/2012/09/17/open-honest-conflict/

This time, Larry and Susan Pons and Seth and Alicia Williams shared. We needed a “tune up” and I am thankful we attended. My main “take-away” this time was that I realized how easy it is to fall into DUTY the longer we are married and neglect INTIMACY which makes our marriages the way God intended them to be – TWO BECOME ONE. When Phil and I were first married it was a pleasure to fix a meal, set a lovely table with our new wedding gifts of Pfaltzgraff stoneware (still using them after 47 years) , placemats, matching napkins and pewter candlesticks. Truth be told, my table settings were MUCH more impressive than my first meals as a young wife. With friend’s guidance my cooking has improved over the years.

Now I only set a lovely table for family visits and dinners with friends. Phil and I often sit on the porch to eat, weather permitting, and serve ourselves from the stove and counter top. Fixing meals has become a duty for me instead of an expression of service and intimacy. Phil says he doesn’t mind and really could care less about how the table looks. Yet I know the lack of care that goes into meal preparation. He does care about how the food tastes!

I remember one of my parent’s friends saying that after 50 years of marriage all his wife “ever made now were reservations”. She had been an outstanding cook throughout their marriage. We all chuckled at his joke knowing how easy it is over time to slip into duty and lose the heartfelt intimacy of serving one another in love.

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

Indulging the flesh can be as simple as playing a game on a device, mindlessly scrolling social media, switching on the TV just to fill time instead of being intentional and serving one another in love.

Just as fall becomes a season to tend the neglected parts of my yard, the Marriage Seminar has challenged me to recommit to intimacy in our marriage and not settle for duty.

Now where did I put those linen napkins……?

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Harvesting and Scheduling…?

I was talking with my long-time friend Carol about the work of preserving food from our gardens. We both love fresh vegetables, I mean what is better than a vine ripened tomato sandwich?! Each of our husbands have worked hard in their gardens and we certainly want to honor their efforts by preserving as much food as possible.

Yet, you can’t schedule when the harvest is ripe and ready to gather. Once it is picked, it must be canned, frozen, shared, and/or eaten before it spoils. That means we wash green beans, snap, prepare jars and begin the canning process no matter what else we may have on our “schedules”.

Carol and I were discussing the reality of dropping everything WE had planned to do so that we could process the fruits of our husbands’ labor. I must admit that my attitude is somewhat different this year because last year I put up very little from our garden. Between ground hogs, racoons, lack of rain, and travel, our garden suffered. This year the harvest has been plentiful! We have been able to share fresh vegetables with family and friends and I have –

  • canned beans
  • frozen tomatoes for winter soup
  • made tomato sauce
  • prepared squash and onions to freeze for cassoroles and soup
  • made dill pickles (Phil made bread and butter pickles)
  • made raspberry jam (thank you Carol for the lesson)
  • frozen blueberries for winter desserts

So our “schedule” goes out the window to do what must be done. Fresh vegetables and fruit don’t wait.

As Carol said – you do what you have to do.

Isn’t this true of all aspects of our lives? We plan with good intentions but “life happens”. Loved ones become ill. Grandchildren need our care. We worship and fellowship. We volunteer and serve others. We attend family events and sport activities. All the while tending to the tasks of everyday life. We plan so we can accommodate all these parts of our lives.

James, the elder disciple and apostle of Jesus wrote in James 4:13-15 –

13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

Our attitude must be one of seeking God’s will and accepting the circumstances and changes in our lives with grace. James is not saying that we shouldn’t plan ahead. He says “we will live and do this or that” yet “If it is the Lord’s will.” Recognizing that all those fresh vegetables are a BLESSING – not just more work.

That requires an adjustment to my attitude. Plan ahead, but see life’s everyday occurrences as opportunities to accept God’s will. Elizabeth Elliot said “In acceptance lays peace.”

Lord, may I recognize that my days – and schedule – are in your hands. Not my will but yours be done.

Amen

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Making Space

A friend, Janet Asbury, shared at church Sunday that God was convicting her of “making space”. She shared that this phrase is currently being used in our culture to denote the importance of being intentional in our every day lives. Making space for the really important things. In the hustle and bustle of all we fill our lives with – are we setting aside QUALITY time with God, or squeezing in a moment here and there when we “can”? Are we making space for God, our Father, creator of the universe? Is that space a priority or an afterthought?

That certainly convicted me! I just wrote a blog on June 1,2023 entitled “Cut It Out” about the need to cut out things in our lives that crowd out the really important things. (see the link below)

Cut it Out

Yet what Janet shared caused me to think about the difference between cutting something out and making space for something.

I can cut out plants in my garden that I no longer want in that space. I can dig them up and throw them over the bank, or plant them somewhere else. The issue becomes – what do I do with that space? If I just leave that space it will soon be filled again with weeds or another plant I may not want there. I must either mulch that space well so weeds can’t grow or plant a smaller, less invasive species. Otherwise I will soon have an overcrowded garden again. Back to the old same-old same-old!

This is true in our lives. We may cut out things we realize are not productive – but what do with that “space” that we created? If we are not intentional about filling that space, the same behavior and habits will return right back to where they were in our lives. This time they may be harder to root out.

I have a beautiful butterfly weed plant that my father planted. Not only did he love the bright orange color, but he enjoyed watching the butterflies the blooms attracted. Last year it was very small and on closer observation I realized it was overcrowded by a nearby azalea and a groundcover. The azalea is beautiful in the spring, but cutting it back would not harm it and it would create space for the butterfly weed to grow. The ground cover was another story. It was invasive and just taking over.

So – one plant I cut back.

One plant I completely pulled up and threw over the bank.

Did that solve the problem once and for all? NO

I go back frequently and pull up weeds and that old ground cover to make space for the butterfly weed. It is not a “once and for all time” deal. Making space is an ongoing effort if I want to effect lasting change.

The disciple and apostle Peter describes the effort we must make spiritually to possess and maintain the qualities we want as a follower of Jesus. 2 Peter 1:3-8 says

3 His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. 4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I will grow spiritually as I intentionally make space for these qualities.