Tag Archives: Christian parenting

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Kindness

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I was reminded yesterday during the Sunday School class I attended with two of our daughters and their husbands that God demonstrates kindness to us daily. It is easy to focus on the judgement of God and the often devastating results of the sin that we see all around us in our world. Yet if we are honest, we must admit that God shows patience and love to us even when we don’t deserve it. The Sunday School class is studying Romans and Paul wrote this letter because the Jewish Christians were requiring new Gentile Christians to be circumcised. Paul begins telling these Roman Christians that they do not have a right to judge and are actually condemning themselves when they judge others. (Romans 2:1)

Romans 2:4 is a verse that jumps out at me each time I read it and one that we as Christian mothers and grandmothers need to take to heart.

Romans 2:1-5 (NIV)

2 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.  Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. 3 So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? 4 Or do you show contempt for the riches of His kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?

God’s kindness is what leads us to repentance. How can we apply this to our interactions with our children in a way that will lead them to repent – not to us – but to their Heavenly Father? When the woman broke the bottle of perfume on Jesus’s feet and washed His feet with her hair – it wasn’t because he had shouted at her and told her that being a prostitute was sinful. Her repentance came because she felt God’s love through His son Jesus. Jesus didn’t have to say, “Now you know how bad being a prostitute is… it is sinful….” No – that woman knew she was full of sin. She also knew Jesus would forgive her and cleanse her heart.

Mothers of small children have the important task of teaching their children right from wrong. Lying is not just a bad choice – it is wrong. As our children become older and begin to make choices based on what they have learned about right and wrong, parents must then help children become sensitive to their conscience – the voice of the Holy Spirit in choosing behavior that is right. We parents will not always be with our children and it is important that children learn to respond to God’s leading at an early age.

I remember one of our daughters coming in to us crying because she had lied to us and felt very convicted. We had no idea she had lied to us. We were so thankful her heart was tender toward God. She still suffered the consequences of her lie, but we showed love and acceptance of her desire to repent. Doesn’t God do that to us? God does NOT beat us over the head with our past sins – in fact He buries them as far as the East is from the West.

Let’s be agents of God’s loving kindness to our children just the way our Heavenly Father shows kindness to us.

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Helicopter Mom

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Definition of HELICOPTER PARENT (Merriam Webster Dictionary)

: a parent who is overly involved in the life of his or her child

Is that a problem? Is it really possible to be overly involved in the life of your child?     The answer is YES!

There are certainly situations that require more parental involvement than others. Newborns need complete care, yet it is generally beneficial to allow babies some time away from mom. This may be leaving them in a room alone, letting them have “tummy time” without the parent holding them, and even allowing them to cry a bit if the parent is sure that the child is safe and secure.

Special needs children may require constant monitoring, as do children who are ill. There may be times when a child is afraid or has experienced trauma and loving attention is beneficial. It is important not to judge the attention a parent pays a child when you may not know the circumstances that initiate the behavior or the parent’s response.

The term “helicopter parent” has emerged in our culture to describe parents who are orchestrating their child’s life for them – or attempting to do so. This leads to many adverse results. Children will learn that they are not responsible for their actions – “mom will fix it for me.” They may begin to believe that they are not capable of making decisions or problem solving. The most devastating result will be their lack of recognizing God as the Good Shepherd who desires to lead and guide them throughout life.

I was reading about the mother of James and John, the disciples Jesus referred to as the ‘sons of thunder’. Their mother was a follower of Jesus herself. She, along with Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of James followed Jesus cared for His needs.

20 Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down asked a favor of him.

21 “What is it you want?” He asked.

She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”

22 “You don’t know what you are asking,” Jesus said to them. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?”

“We can,” they answered.

23 Jesus said to them, “You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.”

Matthew 20:20-23

Can you imagine going up to Jesus, the Son of God, and asking Him for a “favor” for your child? Mary had seen Jesus do miracles and she obviously believed that Jesus had the authority in Heaven as well as on earth.

Jesus’ response was interesting. He asked a question, as he often did when someone asked Him a question. “Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?” When they said yes, He agreed, yet told them He was not the one to grant position in Heaven.

Mary, a true helicopter mom, wanted the BEST for her sons. She knew Jesus was the Messiah. Yet she, along with all the disciples did not realize that suffering would be part of what they faced as His followers. Mary most likely believed Jesus would set up an earthly kingdom as the promised Messiah and free God’s people from bondage.

It sounds as if Mary was trying to plan her sons’ lives and make sure they were situated for the positions they “deserved” in God’s kingdom. Yet in reflecting on this, I realized that I have prayed MANY times for God to smooth things out, even intervene on behalf of my children. In looking at my own heart – I have been a helicopter mom myself. I have asked Jesus for privilege on behalf of my children.

Instead of being the “helicopter mom”, I must learn to pray “Thy will be done” and intend it with my whole heart. It means my child faces suffering in the future.  It means putting God’s will above everything and everyone else. It also means God accomplishes His plan in our children’s lives. The apostle Paul says,

2 Timothy 1:11-13 (NIV)

11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know Whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.

My most important responsibility as a mother is to entrust my children to God’s faithfulness.

 

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Futility of Comparison

P1040148I can remember this day as if it was yesterday, when in reality it was 35 years ago. I was in a group of young mothers waiting for instruction to begin our first “toddler swim” lesson. I was new to the community and I didn’t know anyone in the group. The swim instructor asked us to go around the group and tell our names, the names of our children, and the child’s age. She started with the mother next to her and before seven or eight mothers had introduced themselves and their child, I began to dread my turn.

Now no one who knows me has ever thought me shy or retiring. I prefer to sit in the front of all gatherings, so as not to miss anything. If there is a volunteer needed or a prize given out – I want to be front and center. I have been known to “worm” my way to the front of lines and even if it appears all the seats are taken – I will look in the front rows, just in case.

Yet I dreaded all eyes turning toward me when it was my turn to introduce myself and my son. My shame came from the fact that I automatically compared my son with the other toddlers. When a mother said – “This is Wesley and he is 5 months old” I thought – ‘my son is 6 months old and he doesn’t sit up yet’. Compared to Wesley, my son was small and delayed in development. I compared my son to the other toddlers  – and he came up lacking. I was a failure as a mother!

I am ashamed to admit that I compared my child to other children. It didn’t help that there were four other Benjamins in the class. (I guess that was a popular name that year – or maybe just for seminary students with sons)

Why do we compare our children to other children? Why do we compare ourselves to other mothers? Both exercises are futile and unhealthy.  We woman tend to compare ourselves and our children to others as a way to measure if we are “doing all right”. If our child is taller, stronger, crawls faster, or talks more we think we are doing well as a mother. If our child “falls short” in stature, development, or ability, we blame ourselves and think we are failing as mothers.

Reading these words – it seems obvious that is it pointless to measure our value as a mother by the age our child walks, how many words they string together in a sentence, or heaven forbid – at what age they are potty trained. Yet if we are honest  – we have done this to some extent or another. Comparisons permeate our culture and those of us who dedicate our lives to our families often have nothing else by which to measure our success or lack there of.

God has given us a better way!!!

2 Corinthians 10:12-13  (NIV)

12 We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves.When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. 13 We, however, will not boast beyond proper limits, but will confine our boasting to the sphere of service God himself has assigned to us,a sphere that also includes you.

It is clear in this Scripture that Paul is asking us to evaluate ourselves by the “sphere of service God Himself has assigned to us.”  Just as I don’t expect the same level of artistic expression from beginning art students as I do from my advanced honor art students, God does not compare us to each other. God looks at what He has assigned us and asks that we be FAITHFUL.

I love these verses from II Timothy.

2 Timothy 4:7-9 (NIV)

7 I have fought the good fight,I have finished the race,I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness,which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Paul is telling Timothy, his young disciple, that he is nearing the end of his life on earth. Paul has fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith. Notice it doesn’t say won the fight – just fought it. It doesn’t say won the race, just finished it. It says kept the faith – in other words – been faithful.

This is the standard we use to judge ourselves by – are we faithfully following God in being the women He has assigned us to be?  It is the only measure that matters.