Tag Archives: Christian parenting

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Along for the Ride – The Emotional Roller Coaster

We know that as women we have hormonal changes that affect and often dictate our emotions. These are often chemical responses that we have no control over, yet we must still carry on with life. We cannot control the circumstances, but in many cases we can control our response to the circumstances. (I say in many cases because sometimes it is a chemical response that we cannot control. In those cases, medical intervention is necessary, and beneficial)

How can we help our children learn to have healthy emotional responses to others and the world around them? First we must acknowledge that emotions  are a God-given aspect of our nature as humans. Healthy children are born expressing emotions; crying when hurt, lonely, or afraid.  They also begin early smiling, laughing, and expressing excitement. Two of our grandsons LOVE to eat and it is fun to see their excitement when their mothers call them to the table. Their siblings better keep an eye on their food!

These expressions of emotion should be encouraged and affirmed when exhibited appropriately. They should be ignored or addressed firmly when used to manipulate or control. I remember the first time one of our children threw themselves down in Roses (pre-WalMart) and threw a fit in hopes of getting a certain toy. I had been taught to ignore the child when he/she throws a tantrum and I did just that. I calmly went down the next aisle and waited. It soon became quiet and I pushed the cart back to the previous aisle and saw our child lying there, waiting to see if anyone noticed. Since the “fit” did not result in extra attention , and certainly not the desired toy, I did not have to deal with that outburst again. A strong-willed child may try this several times, but by being consistent and firm your child will learn to control this negative behavior.

The Bible talks often about the “heart” which refers to the emotions. In Mark 12:30 Jesus says when asked what the greatest commandment is:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

When we encourage our children to love God with their whole hearts, it puts their own emotions in check. When we love ourselves first, emotions control our actions. It is all about us! As children begin to place God’s will and purpose for them first, they are able to learn that feelings come and go, but God’s love for them remains forever.

As a teacher, I have gotten to know a great variety of students over the years.  The unhappiest young people I see are the ones who have gotten their own way most of their lives. Their parents have mistakenly given in to them and they are never satisfied. These young people are selfish, demanding, and emotional wrecks because they are treated the way they treat others.

The happiest students I see are the ones who put others first. This is without exception. These students are kind, generous, and respectful and they receive these qualities back in return. Gary Smalley teaches about “Emotional Bank Accounts.” He says that what we invest in is what we withdraw. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Luke 6:38 says this very thing.

“Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Emotions are a part of who we are. They can be a blessing when we help our children learn to control their influence. This becomes more important the older our children become. So, now is a good time to begin encouraging positive emotional expressions and learning self-control of negative emotions. Then, hang on for an exciting ride!

Next week – the fourth aspect – Encouraging Spiritual Health.

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First, Best Teacher

It’s back to school time for those 5 years old and older. Yet our role as our child’s teacher begins long before 5 years old and that role doesn’t come with summer breaks or holidays. It is seven days a week, 360 days a year. Yet, there are great and lasting benefits!

This may not be a job we planned on signing up for when we became parents, but each of us finds ourselves in this role none the less…teacher! Parents are the first teachers a child ever has. From the child’s very first cry and the mother’s and father’s first embrace, teaching is taking place. We show our child how to get our attention by responding to those cries and meeting the child’s needs. This is not a surprise, nor should it be. We expect to teach our children how to talk, walk, put their clothes on, eat with a spoon, etc. What we may not have realized is just how important that role , teacher, will continue to be as our child grows older. Even when our children attend school whether it is a public, private, Christian, or secular, our role as a parent remains of utmost importance. We must lay the groundwork now for being effective as teachers of our children’s moral and spiritual development, as well as their intellectual and physical growth.

In the early years the brain nearly triples in size and weight. Up until age two there is a huge buildup of neural connections. This is followed by a massive pruning. This brain reorganization is often characterised by the Terrible Twos. The erratic behavior of the child reflects the changes taking place in the brain. Pat Wolfe; Brain Matters

Current research in brain development validates what many of us already know – the toddler years are a challenging time. Yet it is also a time when the brain is solidifying connections that will greatly impact our child’s growth and development intellectually, physically,  emotionally, and spiritually.

I would like to address one of these four areas for each of the next four weeks. First – intellectual growth.

The brain responds to repetition. Current brain reasearch shows this – but any mother of a toddler knows that they love to hear the same story over and over again. They learn colors, numbers, names of things, and people by hearing them repeated over and over.

Learning is the act of making and strengthening connections between thousands of neurons (neural networks)

Memory is the ability to reconstruct or reactivate the previously made connections.      Pat Wolfe – Brain Matters

So, repetition is an essential part of teaching our child about the world around them. As a child begins to remember information, they are using words they have heard repeated over and over and those words contain meaning for them. The more those neurological connections are used, the more permanent they become.

Think about this – do you remember the nursery rhyme “Jack and Jill”? When was the last tine you practiced repeating it? It may have been years – yet those early neurological connections were made permanent by the repetition of that verse when you were young. This holds true for our children as well. It would bless our children if we are intentional and careful about what we allow them to see and hear over and over. Neurons are continuously “firing”.

Reading to children is the most important intellectual preparation parents can provide for children. Stories build vocabulary, make connections to the world around them, and provide sequential information, while providing pleasure, humor, and closeness as parents and children read together.

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

The God who created our brains will also lead and guide us as parents to be the teachers He desires us to be.           What a privilege and blessing!

Next week we will look at teaching healthy physical development.

 

 

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Start Early, Stay Late

“So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them.”       Genesis 1:27

The physical differences in males and females were God’s idea. The above Scripture refers to God’s work  before the fall, so our sexuality is something that was part of God’s plan from the beginning, before sin entered in. Often we as parents are uncomfortable with teaching our children about their bodies and celebrating in a positive way the unique qualities of males and females. Our culture is saturated with sexual messages and much of what the media promotes is not the image we want our children to have about sex. To counteract the negative ideas children may assimilate from media, older children, etc. parents must be proactive. Being a girl or a boy is a wonderful thing!

The following are some strategies that may be helpful to keep in mind when addressing this important subject:

  • Start early giving children correct names for their body parts. That helps those children realize that they are normal and it is a natural part of who they are. We don’t call knees or arms “pet” names  – why should we do so with other body parts?
  • It is natural and normal for little girls and boys to be curious about the body parts of the opposite sex. Teaching children correct names for the body parts of the opposite sex will prevent possible embarrassment later on for that child.
  • Start early celebrating the fact that males and females are unique but equal in God’s eyes.
  • Start early teaching children to be modest and respectful of their own bodies. That means that they wear clothes in public, and they don’t let anyone touch them in private places without a parent’s knowledge.
  • Start early teaching children respect for other people’s privacy. Ask them to knock before opening a closed door, closing the door while using the bathroom, and not touching others in their private zones.
  • Start early answering questions about “Where do babies come from?” “How do babies get there?” There are some good books available if you want to show discrete pictures and share information in a simple way young children will understand. Small children only need bits of information at a time.
  • If a child asks a question that concerns you, ask them calmly “Why do you want to know?” or “Where did you hear that?” Children often hear things out of context and put pieces of information together wrongly. Asking them a question will also allow you to find out if they are being exposed to information or situations that you are not comfortable with.
  • Once a child comments on the body parts of a parent of the opposite sex, it is time for that parent to stop bathing with that child or allowing the child to see the opposite sex parent naked. This is a way to model modesty for the child and provide a healthy example of respect for the child’s privacy.
  • Stay late – continue talking to your child as they grow older and need more information. If you do not answer their questions when they are young, they will not come to you as they grow older. They will find someone else to answer their questions and it may not be the right individual.

Finally, I want to set the record straight once and for all. Our children will say that all we ever talked about at supper was sex. That is absolutely not true! I am thankful that we had open conversations about many  different topics, including sex.

In Psalms 139:14  David says ” I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. “ That is the truth we want to communicate with our children –  by starting early and staying late.