Tag Archives: Effective Discipline

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Clearly Focused

Our daughters take lots of pictures of our grandchildren – and I am so thankful!

First of all – they have much better cameras than we do. Our camera was given free to my husband at a workshop on using digital images in the classroom. (that’s why he signed up for the workshop and I must say that many images have appeared in our local paper of students photographed with that camera)

Secondly, our daughters have the subject matter close at hand. We enjoy seeing pictures of grandchildren – it does not matter what they are doing. Pictures do speak a thousand words.

Lastly, our daughters all show an ability to capture those rare moments without cropping off heads, without making the image appear microscopic, or without huge red eyes and blurred features. Their pictures are clearly focused.

Have you ever looked at blurred images? They cause you to blink, squint, and sometimes question your vision. Yet when an image is clearly focused, it is a pleasure to behold. Blurred images are hard to recognize and objects or people that are blurred can be mistaken for something or someone else. Blurred images can cause confusion – especially if the background is in focus and the main image is blurred. What is the point of the picture?

As parents we need to be clearly focused on what is most important in our child’s life. I remember a wise man, Jay Fesperman,  saying at a parent retreat we attended, “Our goal as Christian parents is to raise our children in such a way that it takes an act of their will to walk away from God.” That statement kept us clearly focused as parents. When questions of setting boundaries came up – we asked ourselves – “Will this lead our children toward a relationship with God?” If the answer was “no” we re-thought our plan. If a rule protected our children from harm or led them toward making responsible choices – we followed through in that area.

This clear vision kept us from wavering or following every parenting trend that came along. If we are clearly focused, we may run the risk of being called “narrow-minded”. A woman who has had an immeasurable impact on my spiritual life is Elizabeth Elliot. I once heard her say, ” We Christians have narrow vision because we are clearly focused.” Yes! Just as a photograph has impact because the photographer captured the subject matter purposefully, we will have positive impact as parents if we focus on a goal.

In Hebrews 12: 2-3 this principle is addressed.

2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.                   3 Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men,  so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

We are encouraged to “fix our eyes on Jesus” who is our model for life and Godliness. Even when we encounter opposition from others about our parenting decisions, if we are clearly focused on what God has called us to as parents, we must not grow weary and lose heart. God is faithful!!

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Rules without Relationship = Rebellion

I was a teenager in the 60’s  – part of that generation most noted for questioning authority. Some of the authority at that time needed to be questioned. The laws and traditions that discriminated against individuals based on race or gender needed to be abandoned and changed. Yet, rules that contributed to public safety, general courtesy or respect, and those that helped maintain an orderly society were also suspect and discarded by some. That left a vacuum for which families are still paying a cost. Rules in and of themselves are not a BAD thing, especially when they protect young children.

Rules within a family can build a sense of security, belonging, and give children direction. These are ALL very positive outcomes.

1) sense of security – a boundary gives children a sense of security. They will come to realize that if they stay within the boundary – obey – they will be safe from punishment or other consequences of disobedience. They also learn that someone loves them enough to require them to hold hands in a parking lot, or save the snack for after lunch.

2) belonging – as soon as children learn to talk, they will compare their privileges (or lack thereof) to those of another child. “Why can’t I have a …….. Suzy’s mom lets her have one!” “Why do I have to sit here?, Freddy gets to sit in front.”As a parent we can feel “peer pressure” to allow our children to do things that we don’t feel comfortable with. Having a clear sense of your families’ convictions about issues that arise will help you avoid the trap of giving in. Some rules apply just because your family feels it is best for them.  Many kids love to join clubs – and there are requirements for membership which the children don’t mind because they want to be a member. The membership in a family is a given, but there can be standards that each family holds as important and which differ from family to family. These can develop a sense of belonging for our children if they understand the reason the family follows those standards.

3) direction – rules that require accountability instill self-discipline in children. These rules provide direction to children letting them know that when they are asked to do something – someone will actually see if they did it! Many young people struggle with a sense of direction. They go from one interest or hobby to the next never investing the time or discipline it takes to become proficient. (see post  – “Cleats or Heels?” 5-14-11) As parents we can give clear direction on risk behaviors to avoid by setting rules.

The KEY to effective use of rules is developing a positive relationship with our children. If a child recognizes that we consistently love and care for them, they will KNOW that the rules we establish are for their good. This does not mean they will always like the rules. If they do – we are probably not doing our job as parents! Yet even very small child can understand that when we take a toy away that is thrown  – it is to protect a little brother or sister.

Proverbs – the book of wisdom – has a lot to say about rules.

Proverbs 6:20-22 NIV                                                                                                                                            20 My son, keep your father’s command
   and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
21 Bind them always on your heart;
   fasten them around your neck.
22 When you walk, they will guide you;
   when you sleep, they will watch over you;
   when you awake, they will speak to you.

I love how these verses cover it all – “when you walk”, “when you sleep”, when you awake”. God our Heavenly Father models rules within the context of relationship for us. “While we were yet sinners” He loved us, and now that He is our Father, He requires us to walk in His ways.

When we come to know Him as Father and truly believe that He loves us, we have no desire to rebel against God. If the rules we establish in our families are not rooted in our relationship with our children, then rebellion may result.