Tag Archives: Family

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Neglect

Fall is the time of the year when it becomes very apparent which parts of our yard I have neglected tending. I always post lovely pictures of the flowers and plants that grace our property and as I am writing this post I must ask myself – do I really want to show that ugly – but real – side of our yard?

The very issues that cause weeds to flourish in the garden are the same issues that cause me to neglect my spiritual life, my important relationships, my marriage. So, here they are:

  • time
  • responsibilities
  • tasks of every day living
  • desire, lack of motivation
  • distractions

Phil and I attended a Marriage Seminar this past weekend at the Inn of Last Resort in Franklin, North Carolina. We first attended this same seminar in 1977 when I was pregnant with our first child, Benjamin. There were different speakers, Jay and Sally Fesperman led that first Marriage and Parenting seminar. This is a link to what I wrote about that seminar in 2012. https://ourfathersdaughters.com/2012/09/17/open-honest-conflict/

This time, Larry and Susan Pons and Seth and Alicia Williams shared. We needed a “tune up” and I am thankful we attended. My main “take-away” this time was that I realized how easy it is to fall into DUTY the longer we are married and neglect INTIMACY which makes our marriages the way God intended them to be – TWO BECOME ONE. When Phil and I were first married it was a pleasure to fix a meal, set a lovely table with our new wedding gifts of Pfaltzgraff stoneware (still using them after 47 years) , placemats, matching napkins and pewter candlesticks. Truth be told, my table settings were MUCH more impressive than my first meals as a young wife. With friend’s guidance my cooking has improved over the years.

Now I only set a lovely table for family visits and dinners with friends. Phil and I often sit on the porch to eat, weather permitting, and serve ourselves from the stove and counter top. Fixing meals has become a duty for me instead of an expression of service and intimacy. Phil says he doesn’t mind and really could care less about how the table looks. Yet I know the lack of care that goes into meal preparation. He does care about how the food tastes!

I remember one of my parent’s friends saying that after 50 years of marriage all his wife “ever made now were reservations”. She had been an outstanding cook throughout their marriage. We all chuckled at his joke knowing how easy it is over time to slip into duty and lose the heartfelt intimacy of serving one another in love.

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

Indulging the flesh can be as simple as playing a game on a device, mindlessly scrolling social media, switching on the TV just to fill time instead of being intentional and serving one another in love.

Just as fall becomes a season to tend the neglected parts of my yard, the Marriage Seminar has challenged me to recommit to intimacy in our marriage and not settle for duty.

Now where did I put those linen napkins……?

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Happy Mother’s Day

I was talking to our daughter Hannah today – wishing her a Happy Mother’s Day – expressing to her how thankful I am for the mothers she and her sisters are. I sent them these flowers, well this picture of the flowers. 🙂

Hannah thanked me for being her mother, which has been a blessing since the day her smile graced this world. I told her I had a wonderful mother who also had a wonderful mother!

Truth be told, I am not sure about the mothers beyond that. My mother’s mother left Sweden in 1920 – by herself – at 16 to immigrate to the United States. Great Grandma Anderson did something I can’t imagine allowing my daughter do at 16 years old – leave on a ship traversing the ocean not knowing if I would ever see her again!

The mothers in my families’ past (as far as family stories go) share one foundational characteristic – faith in God. I have a picture of my Grandmother Barker as a small child on her Grandmother Brant’s lap. It was taken in 1898 and there are white tents in the background. The family is at a church Camp Meeting in rural Illinois. I have Grandma Barker’s Bible and it is well marked and her notes line the margins.

So, I am the blessed recipient of generations of mothers who have lived with faith in God. They certainly weren’t perfect, nor did they have lives void of pain and suffering. Yet by the grace of God they passed on that faith to following generations including me.

The sermon today included the following passage of scripture about Mary, Jesus’ mother. After the angel comes to Mary to announce that she will give birth to the Son of God by the power of the Holy Spirit, Mary goes to visit her cousin Elizabeth. Luke 1:39-45 says

39 A few days later Mary hurried to the hill country of Judea, to the town 40 where Zechariah lived. She entered the house and greeted Elizabeth. 41 At the sound of Mary’s greeting, Elizabeth’s child leaped within her, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.

42 Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, “God has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed. 43 Why am I so honored, that the mother of my Lord should visit me? 44 When I heard your greeting, the baby in my womb jumped for joy. 45 You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

The last verse – 45 – jumped out at me. Why was Mary blessed? “You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

Mary wasn’t blessed because she was perfect, more intelligent, better looking, or stronger than others. She was blessed because she had faith that God would do what he said. God told her she would give birth to the Son of God, the promised messiah who would fulfill the covenant made to Abraham. God was faithful to his promise.

I will be blessed and my children and grandchildren will be blessed from generation to generation when I have faith and believe that God will do what he said. That is the greatest legacy I can leave as a mother.

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Known by Name

It is a common story in our family that our father knew every plant in our mountain region by name. That was part of his job as a Naturalist – to know and share the names of the plants in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Now he was humble and quick to deny that he knew the name of EVERY plant, yet I never remember asking him the name of a plant he did not know. We frequently went on hikes with our father as children and after he retired and came back to live permanently in the mountains he continued to share his knowledge of plant names. My older brother Garry and I have often said we wished we had paid attention when Dad was sharing his vast knowledge. Our younger brother, Gregg, has a son who has an immense knowledge of his own in plant taxonomy. Our Dad was SO proud of this grandson and enjoyed “talking plants” with Evan.

We have planted a tree in honor of the birth of each of our grandchildren. These trees are growing just as our grandchildren are growing. They also remind us of several truths in grandparenting.

  • each child/tree is unique
  • they grow at their own pace (as with trees – some are taller/shorter, bigger/smaller than others)
  • environmental/nurturing conditions affect growth
  • some “bloom” every year, some do not
  • some struggle at times and need extra attention
  • there are times a tree/child needs pruning (discipline) to ensure greater growth
  • adverse conditions greatly impact growth

Each of our grandchildren has a name. I sometimes call them the wrong name – just as I did their parents. Their names are unique just as they are. Looking at the trees planted in their honor reminds me just how different and special each grandchild is.

Our Heavenly Father looks at us the same way.

Psalm 139:13-15 N L T

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

Just as we know the names of our grandchildren or the trees around us, God knows us by name. He does not forget who we are or call us the wrong name.

I love that God tells us, His people, that He has called us BY NAME.

He knows us,

He formed us

We are His.