Category Archives: Being a Daughter

by

Learning to Choose

Life is full of choices, and learning to make positive choices is a life long skill. One mark of maturity is recognizing the possible results of a choice and because of that, choosing wisely.  Yet young children are NOT mature and therefore parents must limit their choices and help them learn to make positive choices. Some children are naturally “careful.” These children do not like to take risks. They wait and watch before jumping off the diving board and then they will decide if it is worth taking the plunge. Other children will “dive right in” literally and figuratively. They have no fear and are eager to try anything. These various tendencies  often show up early in a child’s development and follow them throughout life. (I remember asking one daughter to next time call me after she went sky diving so I did not have to worry during such activity!) Obviously daring children need to be monitored more closely than the more cautious ones.

Our goal as parents is to work ourselves out of a job. We will always be their mother, but we will not always be there to make decisions (nor should we). Here are a few tried and true strategies that  encourage our children to begin making good choices:

     1) Only offer a choice when you are really want your child to decide. This is not a game to see if they will choose what you have already decided is appropriate.

     2) The younger the child, the narrower the choices. It is best to offer a 2-year-old a choice of  “either or” between two items. As your child gets older, offering more choices lets them build skill in decision-making.

     3) Once a child makes a choice, require them to stick with that choice. If they eat half a red popsicle and see that their sister has a purple one, don’t allow them to change their mind and get a purple one immediately. Learing to live with our choices is also a life lesson. You can remind them that next time they could choose a purple popsicle.

     4) When it doesn’t matter what a child wears, let them choose. My mother likes to tell the story of the time one of her friends asked her “Why do you let Gayle dress that way?”. My mother responded, “Because she wants to.” (I know some of you are smiling now thinking about the way I have dressed throughout life.) We do want our children to be warm enough and safe, dry, modest, etc. but often while playing at home it doesn’t matter. I smile when I see an Indian Chief in full headdress or a princess in lacy gown and tiara in the grocery store! They have a mother like mine!

     5) If the consequences are not permanent or harmful, let your child suffer the results of decisions. Spending their money at the carnival on a “trick” game will be a gentle way to learn that everyone does not win the BIG monkey.

     6)  Often small children want to choose a toy just because someone else is playing with it. If offering another choice does not work, ask the child to choose something else for a few minutes and then they can trade. If this is not satisfactory – you can remove the toy. Children quickly learn that if they want any chance to play with that toy – they must choose to share.

The most important choice our children will ever make is whether or not to follow God. When the children of Israel were faced with that choice after entering the promised land, Joshua said to them;

14 “Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. 15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”  Joshua 24: 14, 15

As mothers we often want to protect our children from hurting physically and emotionally. Yet if we are honest, some of the most important lessons we have learned in life have come as the result of suffering the consequences of our choices. We are able to model God’s unconditional love and grace as parents. When our children make a poor choice, we can forgive and instruct and help them to choose more effectively the next time.

by

No Pain, No Gain or WAY to GO! MOM!

Many of you watched some or part of the Women’s World Cup soccer action this month. Our soccer playing daughters watched with keen interest and often loud evaluations of the US team and their opponents. I saw a bit of it, and like all sports for me, unless my child is playing, my interest is limited. This interest will soon grow to include grandchildren I am sure. Because I never played on a sports team in my life, I have no personal experience to draw on, so unless someone I know is playing a sport, it doesn’t hold my interest.

But – I do know that to succeed as an athlete, it takes a significant commitment of time, effort, and sacrifice. I saw that with our children. Choosing to play a sport precludes other activities. I remember when one of our daughters quit violin lessons to play sports. I was heart-broken, but she was 13 and had to make a choice since practice and games made both impractical (some families do work through this dilemma successfully). The same commitment, sacrifice, effort and time is required if one desires to succeed in music, dance, drama, art, or other pursuits. The key to gaining proficiency and pleasure from these activities is very similar despite the great diversity of skill required. The self-discipline a child learns through practice is an important life lesson. Practicing something is the way one learns and improves. The first time a child tries to do something it often becomes painful, either literally or emotionally – sometimes both.

Our granddaughters have learned to ride bicycles recently and we have enjoyed watching them ride up and down our driveway, improving the more they practice. Yet, it started out with tears from scuffed toes, stuck pedals, and hurt feelings. There were even several crashes.

I found myself thinking as I watched Pop, Mom, or Dad help each child with their unique challenges in learning to ride a bike that it is just the way God sees us. As I face new challenges of being a parent, I will mess up, get hurt, pick myself up and try again. If my first attempt fails at making bedtime, mealtime, or bath time smooth and effective, I will keep practicing and try a new strategy. I give myself that kind of grace when creating art, but why am I so hard on myself when it comes to parenting? Do I realize how unrealistic it is to expect instant perfection? What kind of nana would I be if I expected my grandchildren to ride bikes perfectly the first time?

Effective parenting requires a significant commitment of time, effort, and sacrifice. It requires that I give up some things so that I focus fully on what is important – my children. It also means that I will make some mistakes and learn from those mistakes. (God Bless our first-born!!!)

Our culture celebrates the sacrifices of time and effort that athletes make to excel. “No Pain, No Gain” is often touted. I want to celebrate the mothers of young children who are giving their all each and every day, who don’t give up even when they are discouraged, who press on! God is so blessed when we look to Him for strength and grace. Romans 5: 1-5 says:

 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

by

Manners Matter

We have had the privilege of spending lots of time this past month with all 9 of our grandchildren. It was especially nice because three of our grandsons live across the country from us, so we are blessed whenever we are able to have time together. Our grandchildren are learning manners, and it is so nice to hear “please”, “thank you”, “you’re welcome” and other polite phrases from these little ones. It is often amusing as they learn the correct meaning, and therefore the correct use, of polite language. I gave one of our grandsons a snack and his mother said “What do you say to Nana?” He replied “sorry” while putting the snack in his mouth – I couldn’t help but laugh!

This training in manners from parents is so essential, and not often valued in our current culture. Manners have sometimes gotten “bad press” in the recent past because those imposing “correct behavior” sometimes had ulterior motives. Various ways of behaving and speaking classified people, often unfairly. Yet common courtesy should never go out of style and it is even more important as our children interact with people in a culture that is increasingly more diverse.

Speaking politely and showing thankfulness are ways to honor others. As a high school art teacher, I see many students who use polite language and those are often the students who have lots of friends and are highly regarded by their peers. Students who are demanding and rude are generally the most unhappy people and not surprisingly, seem to have few friends.

I had a student ask me last year, “Mrs. Woody, why do you always say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to us? ”  I answered, “I want to speak respectfully to you all, just as I want you to speak respectfully to me.” It is exactly the same for us as parents. We must model for our children the language and words we want them to use. This is especially true of how we speak to our spouse. Our children will talk to their dads just the way we talk to our husbands. Yes, and children will talk to mom the way they hear their dad talk to her. OUCH! When we ask for help from our spouse or children do we say “please?”  Do we respond with a “thank you?”

Manners mattered enough to Jesus that He singled out one man who came back and thanked him after being healed. Luke tells about this situation in Luke 17:11-19

 11 Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12 As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy met him. They stood at a distance 13and called out in a loud voice, “Jesus, Master, have pity on us!” 14When he saw them, he said, “Go, show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went, they were cleansed. 15 One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan. 17 Jesus asked, “Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18 Has no one returned to give praise to God except this foreigner?” 19 Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” (emphasis mine)

“Thank you”  was important to Jesus because it revealed what was in the man’s heart. Those polite words do the same thing for us, our spouses, and our children. It shows that we value and appreciate each other, just as Jesus does.