Category Archives: Being a Friend

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Feeling Drained

Spring has sprung here in western North Carolina! The buds are bursting open and each day I look forward to seeing which flower has bloomed. It also means cleaning up from winter’s effects – the dead stalks of last year’s flowers, leaves that avoided fall’s leaf raking, and weeds that seem to push up first in their effort to take over.

We have had abundant rain this spring so the little branch that runs through the yard is flowing swiftly. The pipe that carries the water to three little pools by the garden was barely flowing, so Saturday my husband set out to fix it. He ended up digging down to the buried pipe and discovered a leak. He also discovered that the pipe was plugged with a tangle of roots about six feet long. It was such a dense mess that it is surprising that any water at all made it through. He pulled out the roots, patched the leak, and soon the water was flowing clear and free.

It reminded me of times when our children were small that I felt completely drained. Just like those tangled up roots, I was so caught up in the cares of life that I felt like all the life had drained out of me. Nothing could get in – so nothing could flow out. I was plugged up!! Now I am by nature a people person. But at this point I felt that if another person asked me to watch their child, fix a meal, or sell ___for a fundraiser, I WOULD SCREAM!!! I had nothing left to give my own children, much less anyone else’s. I was completely drained. What was wrong? I was a mother committed to the well-being of my children, why did I feel this lifeless, empty feeling?

John 7:37-40 (NIV)

 37 On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. 38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.” 39 By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified. 

I believe the problem developed because I was trying to do it all myself. There were several things I needed to do to “refill” my dry and lifeless spirit.

  •  Allow the Holy Spirit to flow through me. For water to flow out of a pond or lake, water must flow in first to cause the overflow.  If there is no flow, the water will become stagnant. I must refresh my Spirit with God’s Word, worship, and fellowship to prevent spiritual stagnation. Then “rivers of living water will flow from within me!”
  • Allow others to help me. That may mean humbling myself and admitting I can’t do it all. It may mean going to a counselor or doctor for treatment.
  • Prioritize my responsibilities so that when I feel drained, I know what is MOST important – and I do that first (and maybe nothing else.)
  • Remember that there will be seasons of feeling drained, suffering, trials, etc. Yet I don’t need to stay there.

The following prayer that Paul prayed for the Christians in Ephesus is a beautiful expression of the Father’s love for us and His desire that we experience that love.

Ephesians 3:13-19

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family  in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Instead of feeling drained, our heavenly Father wants to fill us to overflowing with His love. Use these verses as a prayer for yourself and your family members. You will be blessed!
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Friends

Cousins playing at Nana and Pop's

I just returned last night from seeing six of our grandchildren. As always, it warms my heart and I am smiling now just thinking about it.  It was SO cute to see the 2-year-old cousins – one boy, one girl – play together. They are quite a pair! As is common with children their age they are WIDE OPEN. They started by “cooking” , wearing aprons and bringing me samples to “taste.”  They soon moved to jumping on the bed, throwing stuffed animals, and went on to performing with a play microphone. They were not concerned with “girls play” or “boys play” ….they just want to play. It is refreshing to see children play with abandon and joy. They aren’t bothered with “gender appropriate play” if there is such a thing. Children only become aware of such issues when adults express their concerns.

It bothered me so much when our children were small and some well-meaning person would say to our daughters “Do you have a boyfriend? ” or “Who is your boyfriend?”  If the answer was “no” (as it should be with young children) it might seem to the child that there was a deficiency, that she should have a boyfriend. Family members may even pick someone out for a child’s special attention and manufacture a relationship that a small child is not ready for, nor does he/she want. We tried to emphasize being friends. That meant that we encouraged our children’s relationships with other children regardless of that child’s sex. We tried to minimize singling out a friend as a “boyfriend”, “girlfriend” or “best friend” ( BFF now?) instead focusing on being FRIENDS. When one child is designated a “best friend” that instantly demotes all other friends to a lesser role. Encouraging healthy friendships is an important responsibility of parents.

John 15:15  (NIV)

15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Jesus said these words which define one aspect of our relationship with Him in a term we should understand and share with our children. Below are some very brief but important elements of a true friend.
  • Friends are welcoming    Jesus does NOT have a “BFF”  – we ALL are His friends if we are called by His name – Christian.
  • Friends share                          Jesus does not say – “If you don’t give that to me – you can’t come to my birthday party!”
  • Friends are loyal, no matter what      Jesus does not abandon us …. even when someone new becomes a Christian
  • Friends tell the truth       Jesus is the way, the TRUTH, and the life, He shares everything from His Father with us
  • Friends forgive                     Jesus forgives all our sins, even when we have disappointed Him …again
  • Friends are inclusive, not exclusive      Jesus had friends who were males (Peter, John) and females (Mary, Martha)

Encouraging healthy friendships that incorporate the above traits will allow our children to develop lifelong skills that will not only be a blessing, but will also emulate Christ. When one of our daughters was planning her wedding, we talked about who (besides her BEAUTIFUL sisters) she wanted in her wedding as bridesmaids. “Well, Jonathan and David are the closest friends I have had for the longest time.”

Well, those young men would not have looked so good in the bridesmaid dresses, but they did look very nice in suits as ushers! The fact was, they had been dear friends since childhood and being in each other’s weddings reflected that relationship. Their friendship has evolved to include all their spouses, though now they are separated by distance.

Friends enrich our lives in so many ways and helping our children to value true friendship is a wonderful legacy to pass on.

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“You’re Not the Boss of Me”

Our pastor told a story in his sermon yesterday entitled “You’re not the Boss of Me” and it immediately brought back memories from my childhood. I’m sure it does for you as well – unless you are an only child.  As a middle child, I was bossed by my older brother and lorded over my younger brother.  I made Gregg play with me and told him exactly what to do. I was like Lucy from the comic strip Peanuts and treated my little brother like Lucy treated Linus. Poor Gregg! I cut his hair, dressed him up, and made him do homework at 4 years old because he was my student when I began my teaching career at 5 years old. (we are 13 months apart in age and I always knew I wanted to be a teacher) When I graduated from high school,  Mrs. Frost, my 1st grade Sunday School teacher,  sent me a note recounting the Sunday I brought a flannel graph story left over from my mother’s Vacation Bible School class. I announced that I would teach the Sunday School lesson that week. Mrs. Frost said I was well prepared and confident in my ability to teach. We bossy types are like that.

Siblings have a pecking order and it is often set at birth. That does not mean the pecking order is established by birth order – it is more often determined by personality. Our 3rd child often was the boss because she knew what she wanted!  Her siblings were generally more easygoing and didn’t care most of the time. Yet, when they did care, we heard those words – “You’re not the boss of me!”

These sibling relationships are a normal part of family life and part of the way children learn to problem solve. It is a chance for siblings to practice those essential life long skills like give and take, taking turns, negotiating for what one wants, and respect of the needs and wants of others.

If one child is extremely bossy, it does need to be addressed by parents. A child who is in charge at home will develop patterns of behavior that will be problematic when they begin school and there is a TEACHER! It also can be detrimental to those children who are being bossed. They may not be able to assert themselves and may start to believe their opinions or choices don’t matter. This can be very hurtful to healthy personality development.

The most important aspect of this issue is that there should be a boss (or bosses) at home – the parents. Someone will be in charge by default,  and if the parents do not take authority – one of the children will.  Children are more secure when parents take the proper authority and protect the children from each other and themselves. Learning to respect the parents as their boss  will prepare children to respect those in authority throughout their lives. The students I see who have the most difficult time in school are those who do not respect authority. Those students are also the most unhappy.

Children who learn that their parents exert their authority with love and care for their children’s best interests will also learn to trust God as a loving authority. Parents must often say “no” to their children for their own good. God will say “no” to us for a greater good – one we may not realize at the time, just as our children don’t understand a parent’s “no”. God wanted us to understand authority and did that by giving Jesus ALL authority. The following verses illustrate that truth. (I added “boss”)

Colossians 1:16-20 (NIV)

16 For in Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through Him and for Him. 17 He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. 18 And He is the head  (boss) of the Body, the church; He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything He might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all His fullness dwell in Him, 20 and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through His blood, shed on the cross.
Don’t be afraid as parents to be the “boss” and live out Godly authority before your children. Our hope as Christian parents is that our children will transfer our authority in their lives over to God’s authority and never say to God – “You’re not my boss”.