Category Archives: Grandparenting

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Why?

I am beginning my second week in the home of our youngest daughter, which besides her includes our son-in-law, an almost 3 year-old, twin one year-olds, and (the reason I am here) an 8 day old – all boys. Needless to say it is a busy place, also blessed by the joy and love that sweetens the lack of sleep. The 3-year-old is in that stage of asking “Why?” in response to all requests, comments, and random statements. At first, it is engaging to answer the “whys” of life. “Why?” do we wear socks with shoes? To prevent blisters. “Why?” is it nap time? This question has various answers – it is time, you are tired, mom is tired, or any other response deemed appropriate at the time. “Why?” when told to stay in his bed, because there is not room in the crib with your twin brothers.

After answering hundreds of questions, Nana does get tired of thinking about the answers to the meaning of life and all it involves. Yet, as a teacher, I know that these questions and answers are important and will form the basis of our grandson’s world view. Recent research in brain development shows that at around three years old there is a great growth in synapses in the brain, and that if they are not used during this formative time, those synapses are pruned. Just as a gardener prunes off useless branches, God has fashioned our brain to do likewise.

We want our children to have optimum use of the amazing organ  – the brain. Answering their questions is the first and best way for them to learn about the world around them. It will also lay the foundation of a life long pattern of asking questions, opinions and seeking advice from us, their parents.  If we respond to them now with, “Why do you ask so many questions?” “I’m busy – ask…..”, or worst of all, ignore their questions, they will quit asking and/or find someone else to ask.

There is certainly a time for questions to stop for a while. The previously mentioned nap time and bed time, for example. Yet this can be done in a way that is respectful of the child’s natural curiosity. There may even be a specific time given for answering such as after nap, after breakfast, etc. This lets your child know that their questions are important, but that the current time is not conducive to answering those questions. I also am quick to admit that I didn’t know all the answers to questions posed by my children or now my grandchildren. It is absolutely fine to say “I don’t know.” But don’t stop there. The next comment from us should be, “I’ll help you find out.” As a child gets older, you may even ask them, “Who do you think we can ask about this?”

As our children get even older, they will be looking up answers on the internet. A caution – the values we want to pass on to our children and grandchildren may not be the values promoted by the information the child receives on-line. If we have built a foundation of love and respect our values will be more apt to be accepted by these growing children.

God does not always answer us right away. God is not governed by our time-table or our sense of “needing to know”. In fact, He says in I Corinthians 13: 8-13

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.     Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.   13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

God lets us know that while we are part of this human experience,  we will not understand everything. (see italicized above) We do have the hope of coming into full knowledge when we are face to face with God. What an awesome expectation!

So, until then, I will continue learning all I can so I can answer my grandchildrens’ questions. I will also endeavor to answer the countless “whys?” with patience and love…..for the greatest of these is love.

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Easter Blessing

Our tenth grandchild was born yesterday on Easter Sunday. Each of these precious little ones is a blessing! I can remember wondering when I was pregnant with our second child whether I could possibly love #2 as much as I loved #1. My heart was full of love for our first child – how could another child fit in? (To this day, #1 thinks he is my favorite!) Each of our children is my favorite.

I remember a wise older mother telling me – “You think you can never love another child as much as the first since you love them with all your heart. God just expands your heart and gives you more love.” I think that is true. As each child arrived, I didn’t love the older children any less, I just had more love to share with each one. As I looked at this newest little grandchild yesterday, I was once again overwhelmed with love for this new addition to our family. Each one is precious and fills a special place in Nana’s expanding heart!

Easter is the ultimate expression of love – God’s great love for us.  God sent His only Son to die for our sins. That is His love made flesh for us. He rose again and lives in us, His children, through His Holy Spirit. We may believe from time to time that God loves some of His other children more than He loves me. Many Christians are smarter, better looking, funnier, kinder –  the list could go on and on – than I am.  Surely God must love them more because He blessed them with these special attributes.

That is a LIE. 

I Corinthians 12: 12-20

12 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many. 15 If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? 18 But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. 19 If all were a single member, where would the body be? 20 As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

I don’t think it is a stretch to associate this scripture with the unique qualities various members of our families have. How would our family function if we were all the same? (how BORING)

Paul goes on to say –

1 Corinthians 12:20-26 (NIV)

20As it is, there are many parts, but one body. 21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” 22 On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24 while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. 
God’s great, unconditional love for us is the attitude we want to permeate our families. Each adult and child has limitless value in God’s kingdom. The fact that Jesus died and rose for each of us demonstrates His great love. Let’s make our families a reflection of God’s love  – a place where each person has value!
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BORING!!!

I hope to set you free from one of the myths of mothering – it is not your responsibility as a mother to entertain your child!  So… now you are free from that burden.  Not to say that there aren’t times when it is fun to sing loudly with silly faces and make your child laugh. (remember, girls?)  But that should be FUN, and only done when you are so moved. You are not duty bound to make sure that every waking moment of your child’s life is fun or entertaining!

My father taught high school biology for 40 years and for several years was a naturalist in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. On days off, our family would pile in the car and drive through the park or on the Blue Ridge Parkway looking for the flora and fauna of the Smoky Mountains. This was before in-car-videos, cassette- tape players, and even the radio was ineffective because there were not radio signals on most of those remote roads. We were a captive audience. We would drive until Dad spotted a specimen, and then he would stop the car and we would wait until the light was just right for a picture.

I admit there were times I was bored. I know I complained. But eventually something began to happen. I started to see the world around me through my father’s eyes! I began to notice bee balm and orange fringed orchids blooming by the roadside.  I started to spot butterflies in damp puddles left by rain, or the fiddle heads of unfolding ferns. I was no longer bored! The world around me began to unfold as an infinite source of wonder and beauty. My father’s awe of God’s creation gradually became my own and is now the inspiration for my art work.

My father was not concerned about whether or not my brothers and I were having “fun”. He wanted to share with us something that he enjoyed and it was up to us to “take it or leave it”. I hate to think what would have happened if my parents had given in to my complaints and not exposed me to the wonders of my favorite place on earth – the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.

As mothers we are bound the hear those whiny words, “Mommy, I’m bored.” At that moment we must be strong and not get sucked into thinking it is our fault and we must “fix it” so our child is happy again. It is our children’s choice to be bored – it is also their choice to be happy. These are feelings humans have and they are based on our reactions to circumstances more than the circumstances themselves. One quick remedy to boredom is a job – something to do. When our children said they were bored, their dad gave them a job to do. It didn’t take long for them to figure out that they either needed not to tell us they were bored, or better yet, figure out something they wanted to do. It was not our responsibility as parents to find something that they wanted to do.

James Bryan Smith in his book The Good and Beautiful God says that boredom is a symptom and the solution is being present where you are. I love that! I found that to be true on trips with my parents as a little girl. Taking in the beauty around me was engaging. It also began a life long habit of looking at plant and animal life. (to this day, my family and friends do not like to ride  with me when I am driving because I like to look around me!)

Some people become people watchers, some are music lovers, there are so many ways to be present where we are. This is an important skill to impart to our children. One of our children would count things. Ceiling tiles in church, panes in windows, rows of columns, she would occupy herself counting things which may have led to her proficiency in math. Our world is full of fascinating people, places and things. Helping our children appreciate the world around them will be a gift they can enjoy throughout their lives.

Psalm 19:1-2

 1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
   the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech,                                                                                                                   and night after night shows forth knowledge.

 

The result – freedom from boredom!