Category Archives: Grandparenting

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Making Messes

I was reminded again this week that a transformation takes place when you become a grandmother. Now I must be totally honest and upfront by acknowledging that messes have never bothered me very much. Yet, I can honestly say that they bother me even less now that I am a grandmother! I realize the main reason for this is that I don’t have to live with the mess, after the grandchildren return home, I can pick up at my leisure. I also admit that as an artist, it takes a mess to create so I am used to messes.  That is true with sewing and cooking as well, messes are the by-product of these endeavors.

One of the lovely young mothers in our community shared the following incident that illustrates making a mess.

My dear friends,

I just walked in the door from Moms Night Out with you! I walk in to see my mom sweeping up powdered sugar. My mom proceeds to tell me that while she was putting #2 to bed #1 decided to play like she was cooking.  Too bad she didn’t use her play kitchen. Too bad she used real ingredients! She had decided to cut an apple, put it in a cupcake holder,(no pan) sprinkle it with powdered sugar and was fixing to put it in the oven. I know you can imagine the mess. Thankfully she can’t turn the oven on yet!

Oh the joys!

It was a joy to this little girl! The issue of making messes is not “cut and dried”. We don’t want our children wasting cooking ingredients or endangering themselves and others.  Yet there is a time and place to make a mess – maybe it’s with a grandmother! There is also a time to have things clean and neat  – free from mess. A word of warning – beware of your method for achieving neatness – it may follow you in infamy as happened to me.

ONE TIME, I wanted to let the kitchen floor dry after mopping it. So, ONE TIME I asked our 4 children to play outside and not come inside until the floor was dry. To ensure that they followed my instructions,  I locked the doors, ONE TIME.

Of course, after two minutes they needed to use the bathroom, get a drink, every excuse imaginable to get in the house! These were the same 4 children who were nowhere to be found at meal time or bed time, no, they never wanted to come in the house then!

To this day, our children love to tell about their mother who locked them out of the house and wouldn’t let them in – like it happened all the time!

Looking back I realize that a clean floor is not all that important. Erma Bombeck once said that she was amazed when she mopped her kitchen floor after everyone went to bed and when she got up in the morning – it was still clean! My mother once told me not to worry about messes because before I knew it the children would be gone and then there wouldn’t be anyone around to make a mess. She was right. (except I am still here making messes)

Jesus addressed this issue in Luke 10:38-42

 38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”   41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”  
This Scripture does not address messes specifically, but it does speak to the issue of what is really important. Jesus was pleased that Mary had chosen to spend time with Him, listening at His feet. Jesus did not regard the preparations Martha made as valuable in comparison to the time spent with Him.

Preparing meals, making cards, painting pictures, all these tasks make messes. They also can be completed more quickly and neatly by ourselves. Yet making the extra effort to include our children and grandchildren in these messes builds a relationship. That is what Jesus  wanted with Mary and Martha. That is an example for us as well.

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One Guarantee

Years ago, as a young parent of four young children I read many parenting articles and books on parenting. I attended several Christian parenting retreats and conferences. The whole time I was looking for the “magic formula” that would guarantee that my children would become Christians and fulfill God’s purpose for their lives. I wanted assurances that the effort I was investing in parenting would result in a return that resulted in godly offspring. This may seem like a positive goal for parenting, but the truth is – it is not based on Scripture. God’s Word says:

Ephesians 2:8-9  (NIV)

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.  
“not by works”… which means not even by my works as a mother, or grandmother. That verse also says salvation is by faith, the faith of the individual, again not the mother or grandmother. It is a gift of God, and the giver is our Heavenly Father. This truth gradually began to sink in, and I admit I resisted accepting this truth because I wanted to be in control!

Two situations specifically stand out to me that God used to illuminate His truth. One was a Valentines Day banquet where a couple from our fellowship shared. They were a lovely couple who had been married over 40 years at that time. They were respectful and supportive of each other and fun to be around. They shared how their marriage had not always been that way. ( I honestly was surprised!) They had experienced several crises that had caused them to doubt their faith and God’s love. One was when their daughter rebelled, ran away, and became pregnant. They had three sons, all of whom were walking with God and letting their light shine – yet the heart-break of losing their daughter this way was devastating. She has since come back to the Lord and renewed fellowship with her family, but the three long years she was gone, without any word for months at a time – were demoralizing.  Later I asked the mother how she dealt with the anguish and pain during her daughter’s absence. She said that it weighed heavily on her heart and for several months she constantly felt pain until gradually she just felt numb. That was the reality.  This mother did not turn her back on God, she was trusting His grace and love, yet her daughter was gone with no outward sign of returning. She told me she “hung in there” believing God is faithful no matter the circumstances. This took a toll on their marriage as well – but again, God was faithful. They did not separate or divorce and God restored and renewed their marriage to the encouraging relationship we all saw. This couple’s willingness to share the heartbreak of a “prodigal daughter” opened my eyes to see that even though they had raised their children according to God’s plan, one child chose to walk outside God’s will.

The second situation was at a women’s retreat. The wife of a well known Christian leader spoke – if I named him many of you would recognize his name. They have eight children and several grandchildren now. This mother shared honestly the tragic story of her son who was addicted to cocaine. This family had “done it all right” as parents. They were active in a local Body of Believers, they had family devotions, they had home schooled/Christian schooled their children, yet this precious son had chosen a course that was leading to destruction and death. All of us wept as this mother shared the pain of hearing a siren and thinking it was the police coming for her son. The pain of not knowing if a knock on the door or a late phone call was the hospital or morgue was something she lived with day by day. All seven of their other children had chosen to follow the Lord, yet her mother’s heart was breaking for this son. This mother shared that her faith was in God’s faithfulness, in spite of her son’s situation. Her honesty in sharing her pain again opened my eyes to the fact that just as I had to come to God in repentance and asked forgiveness for my sin, each of my children (and now grandchildren) must do the same. Even though our children’s salvation is not based on my performance as a mother – it is still my responsibility to train my children in godly ways as an act of worship and honor to my Heavenly Father.

The one and only guarantee we have as parents is that God is faithful!  No matter what – God’s faithfulness is enough.

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The BEST Gift Ever!

“The greatest gift a mother and father can give their children is to love their spouse.” I remember hearing that said by a wise, godly man, Jay Fesperman. We were attending a Christian Marriage and Parenting Retreat at the Inn of the Last Resort in Franklin, North Carolina. That phrase struck a chord with me because I had lived in just such a home growing up. It truly was a gift!

When I was seven or eight years old, I remember my mother crying one day after an argument with my father. When dad left the kitchen, I went up to mom and hugged her and said, “Dad is mean to you!” Through her tears her said, “No, Gayle, your Dad is right, I was wrong.” That sent a strong message to me about my mother’s respect for my father. Even when her feelings were hurt, she wanted me to know that my father was worthy of respect. Because of her love and respect for my father, I learned to respect my father and his authority in my life.  I knew he wasn’t perfect, but through the way my mother talked about and to my father, I also learned to love and respect my father’s authority in my life.

How does this love and respect between parents affect a child? Why would it be a “gift” to demonstrate mutual love and respect? When children hear and see love and respect verbalized and demonstrated between parents, they are blessed for several reasons:

  • children see that love is more than words, it is also demonstrated with actions
  • children learn to emulate the respectful behavior of their parents
  • children feel a sense of security that is a product of a nurturing, stable home
  • children witness respectful conflict resolution
  • children establish a sense of the value of healthy relationships

If my mother had put down my dad and spoken with resentment about him, that would have planted seeds of disrespect in my heart. It could have grown into distrust of my father’s love and concern for me.

Ephesians 5:31-33 (NIV)

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. 
Notice that these verses call the marriage relationship not only a mystery, but a PROFOUND mystery. That is a understatement from my experience! It is a mystery to me how my relationship with my husband influences my children’s sense of security and value – yet I know from personal experience  – it does. I have been blessed my whole life with a realization that God loves me. This is not a prideful assessment, but a deep felt realization that my Heavenly Father loves me. I attribute this to the blessing of having a birth father who loved me unconditionally and loved my mother faithfully as well. It was an easy transference of love and commitment from my father to God, my Heavenly Father.
The challenge for me is to demonstrate the legacy of respect for my husband that my parents gave to me. I hope to pass this legacy on to the next generation. That is the BEST gift ever!