Category Archives: Parenting

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Open, Honest Conflict

Who is hiding?

“If any married couple tells you that they always agree, they are either lying or one member of the relationship is unnecessary”. I remember Jay Fesperman saying this as his lovely wife, Sally, stood next to him smiling sweetly. The Fespermans were the owners/directors of the Inn of the Last Resort in Franklin, North Carolina. This mountain retreat center held marriage and parenting retreats where Jay and Sally imparted Godly wisdom to young families in the 1970’s. My husband and I were privileged to attend several times. It wasn’t that we were slow learners –  at least I hope not –  it was more that we learned something new each time as our children grew older, as we matured in our marriage, and as circumstances changed in our lives.

The first time we attended the Christian Marriage and Parenting retreat it was 1977 and I was pregnant with our first child. I was teaching kindergarten at that time  and I could manage 23 five-year-olds easily. My classroom was organized and productive. Parenting was going to be a piece of cake!

Wrong!!! I had a difficult time getting a handle on organization in the home. Sometimes it was 5:30 before I even thought about supper, and that was the time the children were ready to eat. I would lay something down to change a diaper or resolve a sibling conflict and forget where I put it. When I left home to run errands, I often forgot something because I was in a hurry to get home to breastfeed, put the kids down for a nap, or feed them lunch.

This created some conflict in our marriage. I had been very competent as a teacher, but as a mother of four young children, I felt like I was struggling to keep my head above water. My frustration spilled over into my relationship with my husband.

Fortunately, we had learned some conflict resolution skills at the above mentioned Marriage and Parenting Retreat. Ignoring this conflict would not make it go away. It would not “fix itself” over time. We had to address this issue and come to a place of mutual understanding. Here is a list – please forgive me, but lists clarify things for me and bring order to my right-sided brain – of steps that have helped us resolve conflict in our family in a positive way.

  • Conflict is normal, even healthy, if resolved with respect. Differing opinions can bring new insight and balance to a relationship. No two thinking people always agree.
  • Resolve conflict at a “neutral” time. In other words, don’t discuss what appropriate discipline for a child should be when you are disciplining the child.That will allow the child to determine who is on their side and play the parents off one another. Present a united front – then discuss appropriate discipline when the child is not there. If the issue is varied opinions about manners at the table, discuss it before or after the meal, not during the meal. We are more defensive in the heat of the moment than if a concern is brought up later.
  • Address the present concern without bring up the past. “You did it again……” Maybe that is true, but we all need grace to change and the real issue is the present concern. This can be particularly disheartening for small children who by nature are learning to follow through and will repeat misbehavior.
  • Avoid using “always” and “never”. Besides being untrue, those words are often unfair. I may forget to lock the front door once in a while, but to say “You never lock the front door”  is not true. “You always leave your toys all over.” says to a child that you don’t notice when they do pick up their toys.
  • Let the other person know how their behavior makes you feel. I had to let Phil know that I felt rejected when he didn’t want to hear about my day, or talk to me about his. Believe me, this was not resolved once and for all time! We have revisited this issue several times in our marriage because of the differences in our personalities. This will happen with children as well. You may need to explain to a child several times that it is disrespectful to ignore a parent’s instructions, that you feel upset when they don’t listen.
  • There are times when you need to agree to disagree. As adults with different personalities, there are areas that you may never agree on. Phil and I have one area in particular. We recognize this and though it still causes occasional conflict, we refuse to let it divide us. With children, they may not agree, but they still must obey!
  • Love One Another – Love covers a multitude of sin.

Colossians 3:10-14 (NLT)

12 Since God chose you to be the holy people He loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

These verses share the wisdom needed to live together in harmony. May God grant us His Spirit to do so.

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Road Trip

We took a road trip to Wheaton, Illinois, my home town, this past weekend. “We” consisted of our youngest daughter, her four sons aged 3, twins aged 21 months, baby aged 5 months, and myself. We left Dillsboro, North Carolina at 12:00 noon on Thursday and arrived in Danville, Kentucky at 4:30 pm.  We spent the night there with our daughter’s friends and drove the rest of the way Friday arriving in Wheaton at my brother and sister-in-law’s (30 miles west of Chicago) at 3:00 pm. We then attended a soccer match at Wheaton College at 4:30. If your head is spinning, so was mine!

The purpose of the road trip was the 25 Year Celebration of the Women’s Soccer program and all former players were invited. Saturday also included events celebrating the soccer program’s anniversary. We visited with family Saturday evening and Sunday,  and then left to drive back to North Carolina on Monday morning. This part of the trip was a 12 hour drive, including three stops for meals and stretching legs, and an extra stop for gas.

Right now several of you are thinking…”Is she CRAZY?!!!! Admit it – you think we were out of our minds to travel over 1200 miles with four little boys in just a long weekend. The facts are that the trip went extremely well. The boys were well-behaved and there was only one time each day when they started fussing, right before supper. (that often happens when they are at home – the “whine-while-mom-fixes-supper” hour)

Looking back on my childhood, I have several fond memories of road trips. In fact, my brother and I reminisced about several of these last weekend. We traveled to Yellowstone National Park in 1958 in a sedan with a small hole in the rear floor board. We enjoyed dropping things through the hole and then watch out the back window as those things bounced around on the pavement. We looked for letters of the alphabet, “collected” state license plates, and sang songs for mile after mile. My younger brother also slept on the ledge behind the back seat. There were no seatbelts at that time, we just rolled around the back seat when the car went around curves. (I was so thankful for car seats on our recent road trip! Four floating, rolling, bumping little boys is not a pretty picture.)

Our daughter planned well for the trip. I know that attributed to the contented attitudes of the boys AND the adults. Here are some thoughts on making road trips kid friendly:

  • Have each child pack a tote with a few favorite toys and books. This helps your child feel secure and happy.
  • Have snacks that are non-messy. This makes less mess and avoids sticky car seats, windows, hair, etc.
  • Time trip to fit child’s schedule. We left after lunch so the boys would take their nap. It worked!
  • Plan to stay with family/friends who have children/grandchildren with similar ages as your children. The first night we stayed with a lovely young couple who had two boys. They had toys and a kid friendly home –  our boys felt at home right away. We had a delicious meal and then walked to a park where all five boys ran and played. We spent the next three nights with my brother and sister-in-law. They have a precious 6 month-old granddaughter so they also had toys and a port-a-crib. They took us to a farm/zoo for a picnic lunch which we all thoroughly enjoyed!
  • Save a new book or toy for that time when your child is travel weary. You will know it is time to break out the new toy because you start to feel crabby yourself!
  • Have favorite music to play and sing along. It may also be helpful to do hand motions. If you don’t know what the hand motions are – make some up. Even this limited movement makes riding in the car less tiresome.
  • Stop for meals, gas, and stretch/bathroom breaks where your children can move about. We stopped for two meals at places with a playground. This was so good for the boys to climb, slide, and jump. Another place had picnic tables and a bit of room to walk around.
  • Story tapes are entertaining and distracting for children 3 years and older.
  • Coloring books and puzzle books are great as soon as your child won’t eat the crayons. We weren’t there yet.
  • Talk about what you see out the window. We saw HUGE wind mills in Indiana, cows and horses on farms, several long trains, lots of farms, and the favorite of our crew – TUNNELS!

It is so easy as we get tired while traveling to snap at one another, become irritable, and fuss and whine. Yes, I mean we adults! Jesus faced a situation on one of His journeys where a huge crowd had followed Him and people were crowded around (somewhat like inside a van with 6 people?) and making demands. (I’m tired…. I’m hungry…I don’t want to share…)

Mark 10:13-14  (NLT)

13 One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so He could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him.

14 When Jesus saw what was happening, He was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children.

This is such a lovely picture to me. I want to be like Jesus. I want to reflect our Father’s love to these children that are so precious in His sight. We all have blown it just as these disciples did and been impatient with our children and grandchildren. But we don’t have to remain that way. We can choose to embrace and accept them just as Jesus did.

Oh, by the way….. for those of you who read the post last week No Sense of Direction – our daughter navigated and we did not get lost once! (the two times I suggested an alternate route, she didn’t follow it – it’s a good thing – I was wrong)

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No Sense of Direction

Short road trips – back in the day….

People often ask me for directions. This is a source of great amusement in our family because I was born with no sense of direction. In fact, if I say that I think we should turn left, turning right is probably the correct option. Yet, it never fails that strangers will approach me and ask for directions.

  • Phil and I were in Poland and on two occasions Polish people approached me and asked directions. Our interpreter intervened and told them I was American. They looked quite surprised.
  • I was riding public transportation in Chicago to attend our daughter’s soccer game at the University of Chicago and a young woman asked me which bus she should take to …… Of course I had no idea – just a little piece of paper where my brother had jotted down my bus number and route. (I asked someone else standing near us on her behalf.)
  • Phil will be pumping gas at a service station and people will approach me and ask directions. I always laugh a bit as I refer them to my husband – Mr. GPS himself!

For the sake of full disclosure, Phil knew from the start that he was marrying someone who had no sense of direction. The first time we drove from North Carolina to Wheaton, Illinois to meet my extended family, we were about 5 miles from the home I grew up in and we got lost and drove 40 miles west. (It didn’t scare him off!)

I will come out of a rest room in a building and have to orient myself to find my way back to where I started. Our four children learned at a young age to pay attention to landmarks – their observations have come in handy for finding our way back home. ( Was Abigail’s early fascination with maps a coping strategy?) My friends also know that I am not a reliable source when it comes to finding a particular destination. They don’t ask me to drive, do they Carol?  On road trips, I pick the songs we will sing in the car – someone else navigates.

So, the natural question that arises is “Have you ever been lost?”

Answer – Yes, many times.

God has graciously provided people to ask, or signs that “suddenly” appear, or my destination looms ahead and I really don’t know how I got there. There have been a few times when I believe Divine intervention helped me arrive where I needed to be, I have no “natural” explanation. God is faithful. I am a testimony to the truth that in our weakness  – He is strong.

When you don’t have a sense of direction, the best solution is to follow someone who knows the way.

I share this because as parents and grandparents we recognize deficiencies, handicaps, and certain lack of ability in our children and grandchildren. These may be small concerns or significant issues. Yet these concerns are very real and can result in serious problems in the lives of those we love. Our Heavenly Father knows this – He knows our strengths and our weaknesses. God has blessed me throughout my life with people who are strong where I am weak – who have been able to lead me in may ways.  As I mentioned, my husband has an internal GPS that continues to amaze me after almost 37 years. Our children are all good navigators, I am so thankful they aren’t like me! But God has also brought countless precious people who He has used to lead me in the right direction for my life – AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME!

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters,

He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the

right paths for His name’s sake.

 Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Although I have no sense of direction in the natural sense, God has been faithful to lead and guide me all my life.
God will do this for our children and grandchildren as well. If we were riding in the car right now – we would sing that Scripture chorus:
“He has brought us this far by His grace,
He has led us by fire and by cloud,
He will bring us to Zion to look on His face,
Oh blessed, Oh blessed be God.”
Anyone for a road trip?