Tag Archives: Effective Discipline

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Who did This?

Dogwood at Macktown Gap

Dogwood at Macktown Gap

There it was written on the ceiling plain as day. “Hannah”

We had just gotten bunk beds so that our three daughters who shared a room would have more floor space on which to play. Hannah was the oldest of the three girls and at five, had just learned to write her name. Hannah was also the tallest so she was relegated to the top bunk.

Now it is NOT a good parenting strategy to ask your child a question you know the answer to just to “catch them in a lie’. Yet at the moment I saw the large “Hannah” displayed on our previously pristine ceiling the first words out of my mouth were “Who did this?” (think firm tone of voice – no smile)
* I knew the word had not appeared on it’s own
* I knew neither my husband nor I had written it
* I knew it was not the older brother. (at that time it was like pulling teeth to get him to write ANYTHING!)
* That left three little girls only one of which could write.

Naturally, Hannah said “Salem did it.”

“Why would Salem write “Hannah”? I asked the guilty party.

“‘Cause I teached her.”

The girls did play school often, but the evidence overwhelmingly pointed toward the owner of the name – Hannah.

As an art teacher I have my students Focus on an Artist each Friday. We look at great works of art and discuss the artist, the artist’s motivation, style, materials used to produce the art, etc. Students first want to know WHO created the art work we study and often ask “Why is that art considered great?” Sometimes it is the process itself that is significant, but most often it is the interpretation of the art within the context of the current culture. What did the artist intend to say?

Hannah intended to write her name. When I asked her why she did it, she replied that she just wanted to.

Often artists who are honest will admit they paint a certain subject matter just because they want to.

When we look at the magnificance of spring and the creation around us it begs the question –

Who did this?

Some would say that it all evolved over time – a very, very long time. Some think it exploded into existence, and then diversified over a very, very long time. Some don’t know – except that it wasn’t a divine act. Others think that some force created our universe, but then left it to evolve on its own.

As an artist myself, I look at the world around me and ask “Who did this?”

It is beyond my comprehension to think that the detailed function and beauty of a flower “just happened”. All matter is made up of basic elements. (see, Mr. Phelps – I did hear even if I was talking) As these elements are arranged in various combinations and in various amounts they make up all that exists in our world. I believe the order of the natural world reflects the order of the Creator and gives purpose to all that exists.

The sculptor doesn’t visualize a form in a piece of marble and them sit and wait for it to erode away in exactly the places that will result in eyes, a nose, a mouth, etc. The sculptor chisels away and works until the desired result is achieved.

A potter doesn’t leave a lump of clay out and watch to see what it will become. The potter molds and creates the form that was envisioned for that lump of clay. It requires pressure in the right places.

God tells us in Psalms and again in Romans 1:20 (NLT)

20 For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God.

When our children and grandchildren ask – “Who did this? – tell them God did. The evidence is everywhere.

PS – a better parenting strategy – instead of asking “Who did this?” ask the child you know did it – “Why did you write your name on the ceiling?” That gives them a chance to give a flimsy excuse which you immediately see through. You follow up with consequences that fit the misbehavior. Example – child writes on the wall – they must erase it/wash it/ etc.
Effective consequences fit the misbehavior.

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Hanging In….

What is he eating?!

What is he eating?!

I was talking to one of our daughters on Saturday and I sensed a note of tiredness in her voice. I asked if she was feeling ok and she said she was … but there was not the tone of conviction I am used to hearing in her voice. My “mom’s antennae” went up. I asked a few annoying but probing questions and it finally came out. She was tired of correcting her children’s behavior.
“It’s just constant, Mom. I find myself saying the same things over and over. I get so tired of it”
Oh, how well I remember! It has been 30 years, yet I can still remember feeling exhausted – wondering if my repeated corrections and instructions were making any difference at all. It seemed at times that my words went in one little ear and out the other. It WAS tiring.
I had a friend named Marty who numbered her “lectures” – those words mothers repeat over and over.
• Number 1 – “pick up your toys, quit leaving them around to get stepped on and broken.”
• Number 2 – “hang up your wet towel after a bath so that it will dry and not leave wet, moldy stains on the floor.”
• Number 3 – “Talk nicely to your sister, someday she will be your best friend.”
“It’s so easy, Gayle. I just say “Number 1 – they know to start picking up their toys.” Marty assured me.
“What happens if you forget the number for a lecture?” I asked.
“Well,” Marty started laughing. “I have forgotten a few times and then my daughters give me a lecture about remembering the correct numbers to the lectures. It has helped them remember their responsibilities, if just to keep me on my toes.”
I couldn’t help laughing. This may work for Marty but it was not my style.
As parents we do repeat instructions and corrections over and over. We all learn through repetition, but it is especially true of young children. Some children need more repetition then others – they have a nature that tests the boundaries and their parents.
It is important not to give up or give in when we become tired of parenting. Training our children is our responsibility as parents whether we are tired or not. IT WILL PAY OFF!
I remember being so tired – wanting to just quit and let my children fuss or watch TV all afternoon. At these low times, God’s Word encouraged me with two important truths:
1. In my weakness – God is made strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2. When I hang in – God is faithful. Galatians 6:9-10
9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.

So, hang in….keep on parenting!

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Beware!

      Doesn’t their mother bathe them?

No Fighting!!!!

                  “The worst thing you can ever think is “that will never happen to me” because then your guard is down and you are vulnerable to attack.”

I remember reading those words years ago in a book by J. Allan Petersen called the Myth of the Greener Grass. It was a short, but powerful message on the all too common issue of marital infidelity among clergy. Over the years I have observed the truth of these words, not just in Christian marriages, but with children of Christian parents as well. If  we find ourselves judging other parents and the way they manage their children, we can fall into a nasty trap.

“I would NEVER let my child do that!” “I can’t believe they let their children watch that on TV!” “They let their kids run wild, don’t they have any control over their kids?” “My children always tell me the truth, those children lie to get out of trouble.” and the ALL TIME WORST – “My child will never do that!”

If we are honest, we have all had thoughts similar to these, probably many times over. Yet we DON’T know all that is going on in the families of those we judge. Some parents allow their children to do certain things we find objectionable because their child is learning to overcome obstacles we can’t imagine. As a teacher I have seen some of my students face issues in their home life that are so horrific – it amazes me they make it to school at all, much less function productively. It is so very important that we recognize that each family is distinctive and each family faces circumstances that are unique.

There certainly are universal qualities that are generally considered desirable in families. Phil and I have facilitated parenting sessions for parents of adolescents over the years and Phil begins by asking parents “What do you hope for your children?” It is always good to begin a task with the goal in mind. The old saying – “You can’t steer a parked car” is true. If you don’t know where you want to end up – you won’t know when you get there. As a parent, if I don’t have a clear view of what I want my family to be like – I will not be actively leading my children in the right direction.

Back to the list from parents – we found that parents often knew what they didn’t want, but weren’t as clear about what they felt was important. If parents only work at avoiding certain behaviors, they will not be building character in their children’s lives. “Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice!” may send my child the message that it is not respectful to talk a certain way. Yet will that statement teach my child the respectful response? No. Only focusing on negative behaviors will not produce positive results. After considering what was most important to them, the parents in the sessions formed a pretty consistent list of positive qualities they hoped for their children.

  • honest
  • helpful and thoughtful (positive spin on “not selfish”)
  • happy, content
  • well-adjusted, friendly
  • self-supporting (generally added by dads)
  • successful – which most parents realized resulted from the above mentioned qualities.

There are no “perfect” families because families are made up of imperfect people. Yet we can certainly plan and “steer” toward making our families places that nurture the qualities we hope for our children. We must guard against a judgemental attitude that only reflects the negative and does not foster positive development.

I Corinthians 10: 11-13  NLT

12 If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

The challenge for each of us as parents is to be intentional about training our children in positive, Godly ways, and avoid the trap of judging other parents. God is Faithful!!!