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Start Early, Stay Late

“So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him, male and female He created them.”       Genesis 1:27

The physical differences in males and females were God’s idea. The above Scripture refers to God’s work  before the fall, so our sexuality is something that was part of God’s plan from the beginning, before sin entered in. Often we as parents are uncomfortable with teaching our children about their bodies and celebrating in a positive way the unique qualities of males and females. Our culture is saturated with sexual messages and much of what the media promotes is not the image we want our children to have about sex. To counteract the negative ideas children may assimilate from media, older children, etc. parents must be proactive. Being a girl or a boy is a wonderful thing!

The following are some strategies that may be helpful to keep in mind when addressing this important subject:

  • Start early giving children correct names for their body parts. That helps those children realize that they are normal and it is a natural part of who they are. We don’t call knees or arms “pet” names  – why should we do so with other body parts?
  • It is natural and normal for little girls and boys to be curious about the body parts of the opposite sex. Teaching children correct names for the body parts of the opposite sex will prevent possible embarrassment later on for that child.
  • Start early celebrating the fact that males and females are unique but equal in God’s eyes.
  • Start early teaching children to be modest and respectful of their own bodies. That means that they wear clothes in public, and they don’t let anyone touch them in private places without a parent’s knowledge.
  • Start early teaching children respect for other people’s privacy. Ask them to knock before opening a closed door, closing the door while using the bathroom, and not touching others in their private zones.
  • Start early answering questions about “Where do babies come from?” “How do babies get there?” There are some good books available if you want to show discrete pictures and share information in a simple way young children will understand. Small children only need bits of information at a time.
  • If a child asks a question that concerns you, ask them calmly “Why do you want to know?” or “Where did you hear that?” Children often hear things out of context and put pieces of information together wrongly. Asking them a question will also allow you to find out if they are being exposed to information or situations that you are not comfortable with.
  • Once a child comments on the body parts of a parent of the opposite sex, it is time for that parent to stop bathing with that child or allowing the child to see the opposite sex parent naked. This is a way to model modesty for the child and provide a healthy example of respect for the child’s privacy.
  • Stay late – continue talking to your child as they grow older and need more information. If you do not answer their questions when they are young, they will not come to you as they grow older. They will find someone else to answer their questions and it may not be the right individual.

Finally, I want to set the record straight once and for all. Our children will say that all we ever talked about at supper was sex. That is absolutely not true! I am thankful that we had open conversations about many  different topics, including sex.

In Psalms 139:14  David says ” I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. “ That is the truth we want to communicate with our children –  by starting early and staying late.

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Learning to Choose

Life is full of choices, and learning to make positive choices is a life long skill. One mark of maturity is recognizing the possible results of a choice and because of that, choosing wisely.  Yet young children are NOT mature and therefore parents must limit their choices and help them learn to make positive choices. Some children are naturally “careful.” These children do not like to take risks. They wait and watch before jumping off the diving board and then they will decide if it is worth taking the plunge. Other children will “dive right in” literally and figuratively. They have no fear and are eager to try anything. These various tendencies  often show up early in a child’s development and follow them throughout life. (I remember asking one daughter to next time call me after she went sky diving so I did not have to worry during such activity!) Obviously daring children need to be monitored more closely than the more cautious ones.

Our goal as parents is to work ourselves out of a job. We will always be their mother, but we will not always be there to make decisions (nor should we). Here are a few tried and true strategies that  encourage our children to begin making good choices:

     1) Only offer a choice when you are really want your child to decide. This is not a game to see if they will choose what you have already decided is appropriate.

     2) The younger the child, the narrower the choices. It is best to offer a 2-year-old a choice of  “either or” between two items. As your child gets older, offering more choices lets them build skill in decision-making.

     3) Once a child makes a choice, require them to stick with that choice. If they eat half a red popsicle and see that their sister has a purple one, don’t allow them to change their mind and get a purple one immediately. Learing to live with our choices is also a life lesson. You can remind them that next time they could choose a purple popsicle.

     4) When it doesn’t matter what a child wears, let them choose. My mother likes to tell the story of the time one of her friends asked her “Why do you let Gayle dress that way?”. My mother responded, “Because she wants to.” (I know some of you are smiling now thinking about the way I have dressed throughout life.) We do want our children to be warm enough and safe, dry, modest, etc. but often while playing at home it doesn’t matter. I smile when I see an Indian Chief in full headdress or a princess in lacy gown and tiara in the grocery store! They have a mother like mine!

     5) If the consequences are not permanent or harmful, let your child suffer the results of decisions. Spending their money at the carnival on a “trick” game will be a gentle way to learn that everyone does not win the BIG monkey.

     6)  Often small children want to choose a toy just because someone else is playing with it. If offering another choice does not work, ask the child to choose something else for a few minutes and then they can trade. If this is not satisfactory – you can remove the toy. Children quickly learn that if they want any chance to play with that toy – they must choose to share.

The most important choice our children will ever make is whether or not to follow God. When the children of Israel were faced with that choice after entering the promised land, Joshua said to them;

14 “Now fear the LORD and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt, and serve the LORD. 15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”  Joshua 24: 14, 15

As mothers we often want to protect our children from hurting physically and emotionally. Yet if we are honest, some of the most important lessons we have learned in life have come as the result of suffering the consequences of our choices. We are able to model God’s unconditional love and grace as parents. When our children make a poor choice, we can forgive and instruct and help them to choose more effectively the next time.

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No Pain, No Gain or WAY to GO! MOM!

Many of you watched some or part of the Women’s World Cup soccer action this month. Our soccer playing daughters watched with keen interest and often loud evaluations of the US team and their opponents. I saw a bit of it, and like all sports for me, unless my child is playing, my interest is limited. This interest will soon grow to include grandchildren I am sure. Because I never played on a sports team in my life, I have no personal experience to draw on, so unless someone I know is playing a sport, it doesn’t hold my interest.

But – I do know that to succeed as an athlete, it takes a significant commitment of time, effort, and sacrifice. I saw that with our children. Choosing to play a sport precludes other activities. I remember when one of our daughters quit violin lessons to play sports. I was heart-broken, but she was 13 and had to make a choice since practice and games made both impractical (some families do work through this dilemma successfully). The same commitment, sacrifice, effort and time is required if one desires to succeed in music, dance, drama, art, or other pursuits. The key to gaining proficiency and pleasure from these activities is very similar despite the great diversity of skill required. The self-discipline a child learns through practice is an important life lesson. Practicing something is the way one learns and improves. The first time a child tries to do something it often becomes painful, either literally or emotionally – sometimes both.

Our granddaughters have learned to ride bicycles recently and we have enjoyed watching them ride up and down our driveway, improving the more they practice. Yet, it started out with tears from scuffed toes, stuck pedals, and hurt feelings. There were even several crashes.

I found myself thinking as I watched Pop, Mom, or Dad help each child with their unique challenges in learning to ride a bike that it is just the way God sees us. As I face new challenges of being a parent, I will mess up, get hurt, pick myself up and try again. If my first attempt fails at making bedtime, mealtime, or bath time smooth and effective, I will keep practicing and try a new strategy. I give myself that kind of grace when creating art, but why am I so hard on myself when it comes to parenting? Do I realize how unrealistic it is to expect instant perfection? What kind of nana would I be if I expected my grandchildren to ride bikes perfectly the first time?

Effective parenting requires a significant commitment of time, effort, and sacrifice. It requires that I give up some things so that I focus fully on what is important – my children. It also means that I will make some mistakes and learn from those mistakes. (God Bless our first-born!!!)

Our culture celebrates the sacrifices of time and effort that athletes make to excel. “No Pain, No Gain” is often touted. I want to celebrate the mothers of young children who are giving their all each and every day, who don’t give up even when they are discouraged, who press on! God is so blessed when we look to Him for strength and grace. Romans 5: 1-5 says:

 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.