Category Archives: Being a Mom

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One Guarantee

Years ago, as a young parent of four young children I read many parenting articles and books on parenting. I attended several Christian parenting retreats and conferences. The whole time I was looking for the “magic formula” that would guarantee that my children would become Christians and fulfill God’s purpose for their lives. I wanted assurances that the effort I was investing in parenting would result in a return that resulted in godly offspring. This may seem like a positive goal for parenting, but the truth is – it is not based on Scripture. God’s Word says:

Ephesians 2:8-9  (NIV)

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.  
“not by works”… which means not even by my works as a mother, or grandmother. That verse also says salvation is by faith, the faith of the individual, again not the mother or grandmother. It is a gift of God, and the giver is our Heavenly Father. This truth gradually began to sink in, and I admit I resisted accepting this truth because I wanted to be in control!

Two situations specifically stand out to me that God used to illuminate His truth. One was a Valentines Day banquet where a couple from our fellowship shared. They were a lovely couple who had been married over 40 years at that time. They were respectful and supportive of each other and fun to be around. They shared how their marriage had not always been that way. ( I honestly was surprised!) They had experienced several crises that had caused them to doubt their faith and God’s love. One was when their daughter rebelled, ran away, and became pregnant. They had three sons, all of whom were walking with God and letting their light shine – yet the heart-break of losing their daughter this way was devastating. She has since come back to the Lord and renewed fellowship with her family, but the three long years she was gone, without any word for months at a time – were demoralizing.  Later I asked the mother how she dealt with the anguish and pain during her daughter’s absence. She said that it weighed heavily on her heart and for several months she constantly felt pain until gradually she just felt numb. That was the reality.  This mother did not turn her back on God, she was trusting His grace and love, yet her daughter was gone with no outward sign of returning. She told me she “hung in there” believing God is faithful no matter the circumstances. This took a toll on their marriage as well – but again, God was faithful. They did not separate or divorce and God restored and renewed their marriage to the encouraging relationship we all saw. This couple’s willingness to share the heartbreak of a “prodigal daughter” opened my eyes to see that even though they had raised their children according to God’s plan, one child chose to walk outside God’s will.

The second situation was at a women’s retreat. The wife of a well known Christian leader spoke – if I named him many of you would recognize his name. They have eight children and several grandchildren now. This mother shared honestly the tragic story of her son who was addicted to cocaine. This family had “done it all right” as parents. They were active in a local Body of Believers, they had family devotions, they had home schooled/Christian schooled their children, yet this precious son had chosen a course that was leading to destruction and death. All of us wept as this mother shared the pain of hearing a siren and thinking it was the police coming for her son. The pain of not knowing if a knock on the door or a late phone call was the hospital or morgue was something she lived with day by day. All seven of their other children had chosen to follow the Lord, yet her mother’s heart was breaking for this son. This mother shared that her faith was in God’s faithfulness, in spite of her son’s situation. Her honesty in sharing her pain again opened my eyes to the fact that just as I had to come to God in repentance and asked forgiveness for my sin, each of my children (and now grandchildren) must do the same. Even though our children’s salvation is not based on my performance as a mother – it is still my responsibility to train my children in godly ways as an act of worship and honor to my Heavenly Father.

The one and only guarantee we have as parents is that God is faithful!  No matter what – God’s faithfulness is enough.

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Bad Mothering

Case-in-Point #1 – We were running late for gymnastics. I put everyone in the Volkswagen Vanagon and asked child #2 to strap #3 in her seat-belt and off we went. It was summer and the local university had very low cost gymnastic classes for ages 4 through 10. Our four children were 4 to 9 at that time and it was great to take them all to the same place at the same time. We pulled up to the gym and the children piled out. As the older three climbed out of the van, I reached back to help our youngest and realized she had absolutely nothing on but a slip that the girls wore for dress-up! I saw she had no underwear on because the slip was see-through. Since her sister had strapped on her seat-belt, I really hadn’t noticed her lack of clothes. I took the three older children into the gym, asked my friend Carol to keep an eye on them during the class, and I rushed #4 home to dress her. What kind of mother takes her children out barely dressed? Bad Mamma.

Case -in-Point #2 – Once I met a mother of a classmate of our son at the library and we began talking. Our daughters were friends and this mother said that since our daughters like to get together, it would be nice if  our sons could get together as well. I said “Sure” without checking with our son and made a plan for all four to get together on a Saturday. When I mentioned this to our son – he was not pleased. He had other plans for that Saturday and it did not involve going to this boy’s house. Since I had already made a commitment to the mom, I MADE our son follow through and go. What kind of a mother manufactures friendships for her child? Bad Mamma!

Case -in-Point #3 – I was outside in the spring, working in the garden and had #3 (5 months old)  in a playpen to keep her safe. #1 (almost 4)  was hitting walnuts with his plastic baseball bat. #2 was crawling around right next to me while I weeded. Suddenly, a car stopped on the road right above our garden. I looked up to wave at whoever had stopped and I saw an elderly man walk to the front of his car and reach down to pick something up. He picked up my daughter! She had crawled up the bank and onto the road! I raced up the bank in horror and took my little girl from the man’s arms while sobbing in relief  that she was safe. The man said ” You better keep an eye on her” which I have always felt was very gracious under the circumstances.  What kind of mother would allow her 18 month old to wander off onto a road? Bad Mamma!

I’m sure most of us mothers and grandmothers can tell about situations that demonstrate our failures and shortcomings as mothers. There are incidents we are not proud of, lapses in judgement or focus. The only redeeming quality in the above situations is God’s grace which was manifested in my weakness. I am not perfect as a mother. I need God’s redeeming love and grace to cover my mistakes.

The Bible shares the lives of mothers who made errors in judgement. Rebekah chose to love one of her twin sons, Jacob,  over the other son, Esau, with far reaching consequences. Salome, mother of  James and John asked Jesus to seat one of her sons on His left and one on His right in His kingdom. Jesus gently rebuked her. Reading about these mothers and others who fall short of God’s glory illustrate the fact that we all have sinned and need redemption. As mothers we need God’s grace and forgiveness.

John 8: 6-11

  But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

   9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

   11 “No one, sir,” she said.

   “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

This is the wonderful truth of the Gospel.  Jesus is speaking to a woman caught in sin, yet His response is “…neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin.” When we are convicted by the Holy Spirit about something in our life, maybe our failings as a mother, we must ask forgiveness and leave behind that destructive pattern of behavior. There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus once we accept forgiveness.  So, no more “Bad Mamma!”

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Friends

Cousins playing at Nana and Pop's

I just returned last night from seeing six of our grandchildren. As always, it warms my heart and I am smiling now just thinking about it.  It was SO cute to see the 2-year-old cousins – one boy, one girl – play together. They are quite a pair! As is common with children their age they are WIDE OPEN. They started by “cooking” , wearing aprons and bringing me samples to “taste.”  They soon moved to jumping on the bed, throwing stuffed animals, and went on to performing with a play microphone. They were not concerned with “girls play” or “boys play” ….they just want to play. It is refreshing to see children play with abandon and joy. They aren’t bothered with “gender appropriate play” if there is such a thing. Children only become aware of such issues when adults express their concerns.

It bothered me so much when our children were small and some well-meaning person would say to our daughters “Do you have a boyfriend? ” or “Who is your boyfriend?”  If the answer was “no” (as it should be with young children) it might seem to the child that there was a deficiency, that she should have a boyfriend. Family members may even pick someone out for a child’s special attention and manufacture a relationship that a small child is not ready for, nor does he/she want. We tried to emphasize being friends. That meant that we encouraged our children’s relationships with other children regardless of that child’s sex. We tried to minimize singling out a friend as a “boyfriend”, “girlfriend” or “best friend” ( BFF now?) instead focusing on being FRIENDS. When one child is designated a “best friend” that instantly demotes all other friends to a lesser role. Encouraging healthy friendships is an important responsibility of parents.

John 15:15  (NIV)

15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Jesus said these words which define one aspect of our relationship with Him in a term we should understand and share with our children. Below are some very brief but important elements of a true friend.
  • Friends are welcoming    Jesus does NOT have a “BFF”  – we ALL are His friends if we are called by His name – Christian.
  • Friends share                          Jesus does not say – “If you don’t give that to me – you can’t come to my birthday party!”
  • Friends are loyal, no matter what      Jesus does not abandon us …. even when someone new becomes a Christian
  • Friends tell the truth       Jesus is the way, the TRUTH, and the life, He shares everything from His Father with us
  • Friends forgive                     Jesus forgives all our sins, even when we have disappointed Him …again
  • Friends are inclusive, not exclusive      Jesus had friends who were males (Peter, John) and females (Mary, Martha)

Encouraging healthy friendships that incorporate the above traits will allow our children to develop lifelong skills that will not only be a blessing, but will also emulate Christ. When one of our daughters was planning her wedding, we talked about who (besides her BEAUTIFUL sisters) she wanted in her wedding as bridesmaids. “Well, Jonathan and David are the closest friends I have had for the longest time.”

Well, those young men would not have looked so good in the bridesmaid dresses, but they did look very nice in suits as ushers! The fact was, they had been dear friends since childhood and being in each other’s weddings reflected that relationship. Their friendship has evolved to include all their spouses, though now they are separated by distance.

Friends enrich our lives in so many ways and helping our children to value true friendship is a wonderful legacy to pass on.