Category Archives: Being a Mom

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It’s Never Your Turn

I got a phone call yesterday, Sunday afternoon, from one of our daughters. It has become somewhat of a pattern to talk to each of our daughters on Sunday afternoon and I look forward to it, even though I often talk to them three or so other times each week. This daughter told me about taking the ferry to Seattle to visit a friend from DC days. My daughter told about riding the ferry BY HERSELF, taking a book and actually reading for 40 minutes uninterrupted! She then ate with this friend, BY THEMSELVES, visited for a while and then returned on the late ferry, BY HERSELF, with a chance to read once more. When telling me about this opportunity, she sounded a bit apologetic, as though she really shouldn’t have done it, or at least not enjoyed it so much. “Yes, you should enjoy it!” I told her. “How nice of your husband to facilitate your chance to meet your friend for dinner.”

I did not say, “You deserve a chance to get away.”, or “You’re at home with those three little boys all the time, it was your turn to get away.” It’s never our turn. A precious young lady shared that bit of wisdom at a bridal shower I attended Saturday as a bit of advice for the bride-to-be. It sounds so old-fashioned, out of date, doesn’t it? Yet it is the key to contentment.

What is in our child’s heart when they feel they have missed their turn? They fuss, cry, or throw a fit. What is in MY heart when I feel I have been overlooked or left out? I feel hurt, angry, spiteful, all ugly words that describe ugly feelings. When something special happens and I don’t expect it or feel it’s my due, I am  pleased, blessed, happy – all nice words that describe pleasant feelings.

The Bible tells us in Philippians 2: 3-8

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

 6 Who, being in very nature God,
   did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
   by taking the very nature of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   by becoming obedient to death—
      even death on a cross!

Jesus is our example. If He humbled Himself, I must do likewise. I must not keep count and demand my turn. These verses say “not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. ”

That does not mean we never get a night out, or a special time with other adults. When possible, a date night is especially nice. Yet these should not be events that are dictated by “turns”, but by a humble attitude of service. Then the enjoyment is a blessing to ourselves and an honor to God.

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Tone of Voice

“Watch your tone of voice, young lady!” This was an admonition I frequently heard growing up – and my mother said it in a FIRM tone of voice. Many of us learned in Psychology 101 that a key to effective communication is understanding how communication works. Studies have shown that only 15% of what we communicate verbally is from the actual words we say. That means 85% of communication comes from facial expressions, emphasis, body language, and tone of voice.  (It makes me wonder about those who communicate primarily with texting.)

What does this mean to us as mothers? I learned an important lesson from our son when he was about 8 years old. I was busy asking our four children to help get the house picked up for a home group meeting. I was giving directions and Benjamin asked me “Why do you always talk to me in a mean voice and Abi in a nice voice?”                                                  It stopped me up short – I realized he was absolutely right! In asking my children to clean up I communicated impatience and aggravation to my oldest child and patience and grace to the youngest.  “CLEAN UP RIGHT NOW!” spoken harshly and with a stern look on my face communicates something very different from “Clean up right now” said more softly and with a smile. Same words – different meaning. I had developed a pattern of speaking harshly to my oldest because I expected more from him. That in itself was not a bad thing, he WAS older and I could reasonably expect more from him at 8 years old then from his little sister who was 4. Yet I was communicating impatience and aggravation to one child and patience and grace to another for the same behavior! How willing  to obey can we expect our children to be when we speak to them in that way? I asked our son for forgiveness and told him I would try to talk to each of our children the same. I started talking mean to his little sister as well! No, just kidding. It was a struggle, but I began working on using a tone of voice that communicated love and grace even when I had to be firm.

Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” What a great verse for mothers! I like how the Amplified translation words the last part – “but only such speech as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others….that it may be a blessing and give grace to those who hear it.”

 Words of kindness are a source of healing and that is so important when our children are hurt by the mean words of others. Our children’s speech often reflects our speech. How many of us have been embarrassed to hear our child speak a certain word only to realize they learned it from us! This is true of the tone of voice as well. The way we speak to our husbands will be the way our children learn to speak to their father. They will mimic our tone of voice. May we learn to reflect the love and respect that God holds for each of us when we speak to our husbands and children.

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A Two Sided Coin

Each of us is a two-sided coin. It is obvious when we flip a coin that it has a “heads” side and a “tails”. Yet in our everyday use of currency, we seldom reflect on what each side represents. As a mother, I know that each of my children has various characteristics. We refer to these as personality traits, temperament, talents, gifts, or flaws. Why is it that we see the negative side of a trait more frequently than the positive side?

I remember lamenting the fact that one of our daughters was “super sensitive” and would cry at the drop of a hat. I also complained that another daughter was so strong-willed that getting dressed was a major battle each day. (At two she was known to remove all her clothes after I had dressed her because they were wrinkled!)

My mother reminded me that each of those qualities I complained about had another side. The “super sensitive” trait was also kindness, caring and empathy. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit that we all need to cultivate and this daughter has it in abundance. The “strong-willed” trait is also perseverance and determination.  A determination to follow God’s will is a major defense against peer pressure as our children enter adolescence. This daughter did not give in to pressure from peers even when she was lied about by so-called friends. A strong will to follow God will produce another fruit of the Spirit – faithfulness.

Galatians 5:22 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”  These are the qualities, traits, and characteristics that we want to see evident in our children’s lives. Our challenge as mothers is to recognize the positive aspect of our children’s character and help that outshine the other side of the coin. When I was able to accept that God had created each of our children with certain traits and that He had a purpose in doing so that was GOOD, it helped me accept that child and who they were. That does not mean that we accept open defiance as a strong will, or crying as a means to gain sympathy. We are still responsible to discipline and train our children. Yet, when we see the positive side of the coin, or characteristic, it will help us parent in a way that builds up our child’s strengths to honor God.

What are some characteristics that you see in your child?  Would you share each “side of the coin” and how you see a positive side in your child that you hope to nurture?