Having It All…but Not All at Once… Part 1

four gen

I heard several stories this week on the radio that gave me pause. One was an interview on “Fresh Air” and another was on “All Things Considered”. In light of Mother’s Day there were several stories on “Morning Edition” that focused on the changing roles of women in society. Each of these stories covered the issues that women face in current culture, exploring efforts of women to “have it all” – by overcoming the “barriers to success in the workplace”, AND have a satisfying and meaningful family life.

The first question that arose in my mind was “What is “it“? Certainly in our diverse and puralistic society these commentators are not suggesting that “it” is the same for all of us, are they? While listening to these viewpoints it seemed that the prevailing attitude was that many women don’t reach their goals or dreams because their responsibilites to their families hold them back. Small children prevent them from becoming the CEO because they can’t leave an ill child at day care and therefore they miss the important board meeting insuring being passed over for a promotion. Is a promotion guaranteed if one doesn’t have children? I think not.

But the question remains… can a woman “have it all”? That depends on what “it” is.

So, I asked myself… do I have it all? Did my mother?….did my Grandmother?….do my daughters?

I look at the above picture and see women who have had it all. Yet, not all at once, nor in the same way. Here is a picture of four generations of women who have lived their dreams because being a mother was a focal point of those dreams.

Let me explain.

My grandmother emigrated from Sweden in 1920. She came to Chicago via Ellis Island with one suitcase. Her dream was to raise a family as an American citizen. She first worked as a maid, then a cook for a wealthy Chicago family. After meeting my grandfather, she married, had three daughters, raised two grandsons, eventually living in a lovely brick colonial home in a northern suburb of Chicago. She began oil painting when she was 55 and she continued painting until she was 90. Her greatest joy came from her relationship with God through Jesus Christ. She loved to quote Bible verses – sometimes out of context – and share the fact that Jesus loves each individual, regardless of who they are.

At the end of her life, she felt she had it all. She had lived the American dream and was going to spend eternity with her Lord and Savior.

My mother grew up in a Christian home with two loving parents. She married her college sweetheart before finishing her degree and soon had three children. She stayed home raising them, eventually getting an Associates Degree in Library Science when her children were in college. Together with another family they ran a family campground in the Smoky Mountains of North Carolina in the summer for 22 years. After my father retired from teaching high school Biology, my parents went to teach at a mission school in Taiwan. This had been a dream of my mother’s since childhood – to serve in a foreign county. They lived and worked in Taiwan for 7 years returning to care for aging parents. My mother has participated in and taught women’s Bible studies for over 60 years and she and my father have continued to do this in their 80’s.

My mother will be 85 on Friday and she will tell you she has had it all. Not all at once, but she has lived her dreams and experienced things she didn’t dare to dream.

These women have lived purposeful, meaningful lives. They have not been paid seven figure salaries. They have not had books written about them (yet) nor gone viral on YouTube (thankfully!).
They don’t run large corporations or manage hundreds of employees.
But they sure could make small children sit up and listen!

Jesus said this – in Mark 9:34-38 (NIV)

34 But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.

35 Sitting down, Jesus called the Twelve and said, “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.”

36 He took a little child whom He placed among them. Taking the child in His arms, He said to them, 37 “Whoever welcomes one of these little children in My name welcomes Me; and whoever welcomes Me does not welcome Me but the One who sent Me.”

The point our culture misses is that the path to true greatness is servanthood.

When we are serving our families as mothers and wives we are being obedient to a high calling. Jesus Himself placed children front and center as we see in verse 37.

Some women are called to places of authority – some are not. Having it all for daughters of our Heavenly Father means serving one another whether we are the CEO or the one who changes diapers.

Next week – Part II – Having it All… But Not All at Once.

Free at Last!

Woody Family in 1990

Woody Family in 1990

“Now that I’m older, I’m free from worrying about that any more. It feels so good!” My friend Winnie said this to me yesterday at church. Winnie is a lovely Christian lady who has held fast to her faith through life’s storms. She is now pursuing a college degree in her 50’s and tutoring college students on the side.

“I am free from so many false beliefs that I had as a young wife and mother.” I replied. “Why didn’t we learn these lessons earlier?” I said to Winnie.

This caused me to reflect on just what some of those erroneous ideas were. These were thoughts I held that kept me in bondage and fed feelings of guilt. Here is a list of some of those toxic thoughts:

* I must have a perfectly clean house before I invite anyone to visit.
* If I invite guests for dinner, the food must be homemade.
* If I am feeling overwhelmed, I must never admit it.
* If I haven’t had a quiet time, I don’t have anything of value to share.
* I’m a bad mother if I yell at my kids.
* I’m a bad mother if my children act up at library story time.
* I’m a bad mother if my children run around at Sunday School.
* I must have a “ministry” outside of my home.

These are just a few of the things that weighed me down as a mother of young children. As you can see – there is some truth in each of these beliefs – but there is much that is false. Those lies kept me frustrated and often full of guilt.

I wanted to have people over, so I would wear myself out cleaning up. I was crabby and demanding of my children – once I even locked them out of the house until the kitchen floor dried after I had mopped it. They have NEVER forgotten this and enjoy seeing my discomfort as they tell people I used to lock them out of the house. To set the record straight – I did that ONE time!

I am not a natural cook – it is an effort for me to make tasty meals. Yet I thought I had to make everything from scratch if I was having guests.

I also gauged my “success” as a mother by my children’s performance. This was partly because as a former teacher, I measured my success as a teacher by how well my students learned. I took this same attitude to my efforts in parenting.

Jesus says in John 8:31-32

31 Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. 32 And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

As God began to teach me His truth, I was set free from those falsehoods that held me in bondage.

* People come to visit people, not the house. Four children make messes.
* I can buy pre-cut salad – no one cares.
* I must admit my weakness so my husband (or friends) know I need help.
* My relationship with God is based on His grace, not my quiet time.
* If I yell at my kids, I ask forgiveness.
* If my children act up at story time – I teach them respectful manners.
* If my children run at Sunday School – I teach them proper behavior.
* When I feel “I’m not doing enough for the Lord”,
I remember that my family IS my ministry.

The TRUTH does set us free from the bondage of quilt and frustration.
As Winnie said – “It feels so good to be free!”

First Love

Nana singing to twins

As mothers we love to record “firsts”. First smile, first steps, first words, first teeth, first haircut, first fit in the grocery store…well maybe NOT that first. The list could go on and on. We cherish these moments that denote milestones in the development of our children.

Our pastor read from Revelation 2:4 yesterday about a “first”. This is a sobering message from Jesus Christ to the church in Ephesus.
Revelation 2:1-4 (NKJV)

2 “To the angel of the church of Ephesus write,
‘These things says He who holds the seven stars in His right hand, who walks in the midst of the seven golden lampstands: 2 “I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; 3 and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name’s sake and have not become weary.
4 Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.
Jesus lists several things that these early Christians are doing well. He is pleased that they are laboring hard for His kingdom, demonstrating patience, they hate evil, etc.

BUT – those things are not enough. Jesus says that in spite of all these great things, they have lost their first love.
Jesus tells us the first commandment in Mark 12:29-31 (NKJV)

29 Jesus answered him, “The first of all the commandments is: ‘Hear, O Israel, the LORD our God, the LORD is one. 30 And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.

Obviously this first love is very important.

I started to think about the first time I felt God’s love for me. I was a very young child, singing the first sing I ever learned – “Jesus Loves Me.”
It was while singing that song I sensed what I now know was the Holy Spirit. He was filling me with a sense of God’s love for me that I was able to understand even at that young age.

I thought about the times I have sung that song with our children and now our grandchildren. I am so blessed that “Jesus Loves Me” is the first song I ever learned and the first song I have sung with our grandchildren. This simple song is profound in the truth it conveys. “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, they are weak, but He is strong.”

There have been times in my life when I have allowed other things, even very good things, like my husband and my children to take first place in my life.

When I do that, I open myself up to stress, fear, worry – all the things that are the opposite of God’s presence and the fruit of His Spirit.

I want to keep Jesus as my first love and be an example to my children and grandchildren of one who loves the Lord my God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I must never leave my first love.