Category Archives: Parenting

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BORING!!!

I hope to set you free from one of the myths of mothering – it is not your responsibility as a mother to entertain your child!  So… now you are free from that burden.  Not to say that there aren’t times when it is fun to sing loudly with silly faces and make your child laugh. (remember, girls?)  But that should be FUN, and only done when you are so moved. You are not duty bound to make sure that every waking moment of your child’s life is fun or entertaining!

My father taught high school biology for 40 years and for several years was a naturalist in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. On days off, our family would pile in the car and drive through the park or on the Blue Ridge Parkway looking for the flora and fauna of the Smoky Mountains. This was before in-car-videos, cassette- tape players, and even the radio was ineffective because there were not radio signals on most of those remote roads. We were a captive audience. We would drive until Dad spotted a specimen, and then he would stop the car and we would wait until the light was just right for a picture.

I admit there were times I was bored. I know I complained. But eventually something began to happen. I started to see the world around me through my father’s eyes! I began to notice bee balm and orange fringed orchids blooming by the roadside.  I started to spot butterflies in damp puddles left by rain, or the fiddle heads of unfolding ferns. I was no longer bored! The world around me began to unfold as an infinite source of wonder and beauty. My father’s awe of God’s creation gradually became my own and is now the inspiration for my art work.

My father was not concerned about whether or not my brothers and I were having “fun”. He wanted to share with us something that he enjoyed and it was up to us to “take it or leave it”. I hate to think what would have happened if my parents had given in to my complaints and not exposed me to the wonders of my favorite place on earth – the Great Smoky Mountains National Park.

As mothers we are bound the hear those whiny words, “Mommy, I’m bored.” At that moment we must be strong and not get sucked into thinking it is our fault and we must “fix it” so our child is happy again. It is our children’s choice to be bored – it is also their choice to be happy. These are feelings humans have and they are based on our reactions to circumstances more than the circumstances themselves. One quick remedy to boredom is a job – something to do. When our children said they were bored, their dad gave them a job to do. It didn’t take long for them to figure out that they either needed not to tell us they were bored, or better yet, figure out something they wanted to do. It was not our responsibility as parents to find something that they wanted to do.

James Bryan Smith in his book The Good and Beautiful God says that boredom is a symptom and the solution is being present where you are. I love that! I found that to be true on trips with my parents as a little girl. Taking in the beauty around me was engaging. It also began a life long habit of looking at plant and animal life. (to this day, my family and friends do not like to ride  with me when I am driving because I like to look around me!)

Some people become people watchers, some are music lovers, there are so many ways to be present where we are. This is an important skill to impart to our children. One of our children would count things. Ceiling tiles in church, panes in windows, rows of columns, she would occupy herself counting things which may have led to her proficiency in math. Our world is full of fascinating people, places and things. Helping our children appreciate the world around them will be a gift they can enjoy throughout their lives.

Psalm 19:1-2

 1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
   the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech,                                                                                                                   and night after night shows forth knowledge.

 

The result – freedom from boredom!

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Making Messes

I was reminded again this week that a transformation takes place when you become a grandmother. Now I must be totally honest and upfront by acknowledging that messes have never bothered me very much. Yet, I can honestly say that they bother me even less now that I am a grandmother! I realize the main reason for this is that I don’t have to live with the mess, after the grandchildren return home, I can pick up at my leisure. I also admit that as an artist, it takes a mess to create so I am used to messes.  That is true with sewing and cooking as well, messes are the by-product of these endeavors.

One of the lovely young mothers in our community shared the following incident that illustrates making a mess.

My dear friends,

I just walked in the door from Moms Night Out with you! I walk in to see my mom sweeping up powdered sugar. My mom proceeds to tell me that while she was putting #2 to bed #1 decided to play like she was cooking.  Too bad she didn’t use her play kitchen. Too bad she used real ingredients! She had decided to cut an apple, put it in a cupcake holder,(no pan) sprinkle it with powdered sugar and was fixing to put it in the oven. I know you can imagine the mess. Thankfully she can’t turn the oven on yet!

Oh the joys!

It was a joy to this little girl! The issue of making messes is not “cut and dried”. We don’t want our children wasting cooking ingredients or endangering themselves and others.  Yet there is a time and place to make a mess – maybe it’s with a grandmother! There is also a time to have things clean and neat  – free from mess. A word of warning – beware of your method for achieving neatness – it may follow you in infamy as happened to me.

ONE TIME, I wanted to let the kitchen floor dry after mopping it. So, ONE TIME I asked our 4 children to play outside and not come inside until the floor was dry. To ensure that they followed my instructions,  I locked the doors, ONE TIME.

Of course, after two minutes they needed to use the bathroom, get a drink, every excuse imaginable to get in the house! These were the same 4 children who were nowhere to be found at meal time or bed time, no, they never wanted to come in the house then!

To this day, our children love to tell about their mother who locked them out of the house and wouldn’t let them in – like it happened all the time!

Looking back I realize that a clean floor is not all that important. Erma Bombeck once said that she was amazed when she mopped her kitchen floor after everyone went to bed and when she got up in the morning – it was still clean! My mother once told me not to worry about messes because before I knew it the children would be gone and then there wouldn’t be anyone around to make a mess. She was right. (except I am still here making messes)

Jesus addressed this issue in Luke 10:38-42

 38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”   41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”  
This Scripture does not address messes specifically, but it does speak to the issue of what is really important. Jesus was pleased that Mary had chosen to spend time with Him, listening at His feet. Jesus did not regard the preparations Martha made as valuable in comparison to the time spent with Him.

Preparing meals, making cards, painting pictures, all these tasks make messes. They also can be completed more quickly and neatly by ourselves. Yet making the extra effort to include our children and grandchildren in these messes builds a relationship. That is what Jesus  wanted with Mary and Martha. That is an example for us as well.

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Bad Mothering

Case-in-Point #1 – We were running late for gymnastics. I put everyone in the Volkswagen Vanagon and asked child #2 to strap #3 in her seat-belt and off we went. It was summer and the local university had very low cost gymnastic classes for ages 4 through 10. Our four children were 4 to 9 at that time and it was great to take them all to the same place at the same time. We pulled up to the gym and the children piled out. As the older three climbed out of the van, I reached back to help our youngest and realized she had absolutely nothing on but a slip that the girls wore for dress-up! I saw she had no underwear on because the slip was see-through. Since her sister had strapped on her seat-belt, I really hadn’t noticed her lack of clothes. I took the three older children into the gym, asked my friend Carol to keep an eye on them during the class, and I rushed #4 home to dress her. What kind of mother takes her children out barely dressed? Bad Mamma.

Case -in-Point #2 – Once I met a mother of a classmate of our son at the library and we began talking. Our daughters were friends and this mother said that since our daughters like to get together, it would be nice if  our sons could get together as well. I said “Sure” without checking with our son and made a plan for all four to get together on a Saturday. When I mentioned this to our son – he was not pleased. He had other plans for that Saturday and it did not involve going to this boy’s house. Since I had already made a commitment to the mom, I MADE our son follow through and go. What kind of a mother manufactures friendships for her child? Bad Mamma!

Case -in-Point #3 – I was outside in the spring, working in the garden and had #3 (5 months old)  in a playpen to keep her safe. #1 (almost 4)  was hitting walnuts with his plastic baseball bat. #2 was crawling around right next to me while I weeded. Suddenly, a car stopped on the road right above our garden. I looked up to wave at whoever had stopped and I saw an elderly man walk to the front of his car and reach down to pick something up. He picked up my daughter! She had crawled up the bank and onto the road! I raced up the bank in horror and took my little girl from the man’s arms while sobbing in relief  that she was safe. The man said ” You better keep an eye on her” which I have always felt was very gracious under the circumstances.  What kind of mother would allow her 18 month old to wander off onto a road? Bad Mamma!

I’m sure most of us mothers and grandmothers can tell about situations that demonstrate our failures and shortcomings as mothers. There are incidents we are not proud of, lapses in judgement or focus. The only redeeming quality in the above situations is God’s grace which was manifested in my weakness. I am not perfect as a mother. I need God’s redeeming love and grace to cover my mistakes.

The Bible shares the lives of mothers who made errors in judgement. Rebekah chose to love one of her twin sons, Jacob,  over the other son, Esau, with far reaching consequences. Salome, mother of  James and John asked Jesus to seat one of her sons on His left and one on His right in His kingdom. Jesus gently rebuked her. Reading about these mothers and others who fall short of God’s glory illustrate the fact that we all have sinned and need redemption. As mothers we need God’s grace and forgiveness.

John 8: 6-11

  But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

   9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

   11 “No one, sir,” she said.

   “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

This is the wonderful truth of the Gospel.  Jesus is speaking to a woman caught in sin, yet His response is “…neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin.” When we are convicted by the Holy Spirit about something in our life, maybe our failings as a mother, we must ask forgiveness and leave behind that destructive pattern of behavior. There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus once we accept forgiveness.  So, no more “Bad Mamma!”